chochiyo_sama | Sadness

I woke up a few minutes ago (to pee). I was sleeping soundly and wasn't thinking of anything in particular as I staggered into the bathroom. For some unknown reason, as I washed my hands, I had a sort of "flashback" memory--a couple of them, actually.

I remembered my dad grinning at me after he had the temporary crowns put on his front teeth. They were so stupid looking--too big for his mouth. They made him look like a demented rabbit.

That triggered another memory--of him in the kitchen. He was eating something, and suddenly he got a look on his face that was a combination of annoyance, frustration, and a visible hopelessness. Then he spit out the crown that had just dropped off his tooth. It was the permanent crown--his dipshit dentist hadn't put it in there right.

For some reason those memories made me feel a wave of sadness. My dad was a mean bastard to me throughout my childhood--but he'd been kicked in the face by his own parents throughout his entire life (metaphorically and physically). He always got the shit end of the stick--I remember once my grandmother gave him a pair of flannel pajamas that my grandfather had been wearing for over two years...she ironed them before she wrapped them to make them "look new."

I feel bad that my dad never got to resolve some of this shit so that he could actually appreciate and love his own kids. I think he did love us in his twisted way--but that didn't prevent him from hurting us again and again.

I sincerely hope things are better for him in the afterlife.

His "earth life" sucked.

Rest in peace, dad. I'm sorry I wasn't able to understand why you were the way you were earlier and I'm sorry I hated you for years and years. I'm glad I told you I loved you before you died.