chochiyo_sama | Tomorrow I see the orthopedic dude.

I have an appointment for 8:30 am. I hope to almighty that he does SOMETHING for the pain in my knees. It is just so tiring. It hurts all the time. And I am sick to death of hobbling around.

Give me a cortizone shot or give me better drugs or cut them both off and fit me with peg legs and give me a parrot.

I will be satisfied.

Today I saw my therapist and we had a long talk about defending my boundaries and dealing with people who were energy drainers.

It was tough. I am entering the dark zone now. I hate the time between Halloween and New Year's Day because it is so bleak. All I can think of is all the dreams that I had which did NOT come true.

I don't know why I feel it so much during this time of year...but this is when it happens.

I actually felt kind of perky today after seeing my therapist. I ran a bunch of stuff past her, mainly to see if she thought I had behaved appropriately in a couple of unpleasant interactions with friends. She assured me that I had the right to choose who I did and did not associate with, especially if being in their company caused me to feel drained and unhappy.

She said only I can defend my boundaries and protect myself from negative influences.

It's very hard for me to establish boundaries, but it is something I am working on.

I have to go to sleep now--not too much else that is news worthy.

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The rather adorable doctor DID give me my cortizone shots, and being painfree for several hours due to the painkiller mixed into it was a Very Good Thing,

I don't think my birthday itself is too much of a problem.

I think it is that a lot of the holidays are very family and child oriented, and I had so many dreams about how I would spend the holidays with my children--making costumes, carving punkins, having halloween parties, making haunted houses in the garage to amuse and terrify their litte friends, making "thankful" packages to give to the less fortunate during thanksgiving, making those stupid turkeys out of colored paper tracings of their hands, doing our own placemates with things we are thankful for displayed on them--hanging stockings and decorating the tree and reading Christmas stories and going to their Christmas programs...

All these things got me through a less than stellar childhood. When I was hiding in my closet (having dragged my night table lamp in there with me) playing paper dolls or barbies, I would imagine how MY kids would live THEIR lives--the diametrical opposite of my childhood. Fun and love and joy and play would abound for them--no screaming or hitting or ridiculing or humiliating.

And now this is not in the realm of possibility. Being a "big sister" won't cut it. I get that kind of satisfaction from pampering my kidsat school.

I don't know about the light thing--I've never really had an issue with the darkness time of year until the hysterectomy. That's when this holiday depression came roaring in year after year.

ONce it was beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would NEVER EVER EVER have my own children.

Last year was the absolute worst year ever. I don't know that I can take another one like that.

Not without being in a coma.

You will never ever bear natural children. That does NOT mean you'll never be a Mother. This is something women our age have to accept hysterctomy or not. I had a VP that went through menopause in her 20s. She adopted. She was also single.

If this is something you really, really want, perhaps you should consider adoption.

Or become a foster parent.

Tomorrow I see the orthopedic dude.

Re: Good for you!.

There's motherhood and there's motherhood.