Tomorrow I see the orthopedic dude.

[chochiyo_sama]

I have an appointment for 8:30 am.  I hope to almighty that he does SOMETHING for the pain in my knees.  It is just so tiring.  It hurts all the time.  And I am sick to death of hobbling around.

Give me a cortizone shot or give me better drugs or cut them both off and fit me with peg legs and give me a parrot.

I will be satisfied.

Today I saw my therapist and we had a long talk about defending my boundaries and dealing with people who were energy drainers.

It was tough.  I am entering the dark zone now.  I hate the time between Halloween and New Year's Day because it is so bleak.  All I can think of is all the dreams that I had which did NOT come true.

I don't know why I feel it so much during this time of year...but this is when it happens.

I actually felt kind of perky today after seeing my therapist.  I ran a bunch of stuff past her, mainly to see if she thought I had behaved appropriately in a couple of unpleasant interactions with friends.  She assured me that I had the right to choose who I did and did not associate with, especially if being in their company caused me to feel drained and unhappy.

She said only I can defend my boundaries and protect myself from negative influences.

It's very hard for me to establish boundaries, but it is something I am working on.

I have to go to sleep now--not too much else that is news worthy.

Comments

Good session - - ortho potential

[papillon-san.livejournal.com]

Well, I had my injection about 5 days ago. It was a mix of marcaine and dexamethasone (pain killer and steroid) for my shoulder. I felt no pain during the injection - - just sort of a filling sensation in my shoulder. He told me to lay off the gym for a week and I'm doing that. It actually hurt a little more than usual the day after the injection but I could tell there was a difference. At day 5 I can feel that it is MUCH better than before - - all the radiating pain is going away and my upper back is finally relaxing.

Now the shoulder isn't something that is loaded by body weight, so it is a bit easier to isolate than knees, but the vets I treat at the VA all tell me that injections help their poor old knees a lot. I think you can count on some improvement, dear Cho.

As for toxic relationships . . . good luck on that. Maybe keeping a calendar and jotting down your plans on it could help with that (filling those blank spots with "something" can keep you "unavailable" for the people that drain you). If you're busy, you're busy, right?

I had a friend once that admitted to being a people-pleaser and he kept letting other people monopolize his time away from his family - - he used the phrase "tyranny of the urgent" to describe how emotionally intense these folks were with him. He told me that he learned one thing that worked for him: being very organized, he kept a day planner of his appointments and obligations. What he did that most people tend to neglect was fill in times he needed and wanted to spend with his family right in his planner. So, when someone would want to grab a chunk of his time he would put them off by saying he had to check his planner; if family time was filled in he at least had an out - - and his reply was simply "it seems I have an appointment already scheduled." He told me later that people don't tend to respect family time as much as they do "appointments" . . . go figure.

I hope those relationships find another source to pester away from you. It is amazing how resourceful folks like that can be if forced to find another victim. Flattery has been my downfall - - when someone tells me how "special" I am to them, I tend to work harder for them. I realize now that sometimes that's just a setup to get me to do what they should do for themselves. Live and learn, aye?

You're the tops!

Love,
Pappy

Re: Good session - - ortho potential

[chochiyo-sama.livejournal.com]

But you ARE special, punkin!

(will you clean my basement?)

Hahahahah

No, seriously, though. You ARE VERY SPECIAL and I love you.

Big hug.

Good for you!.

[the_godiva]

First, I am sure you will make sure the Dr. does what he is supposed to do, whether it be shooting you up, giving you pills or an eyepatch and heavy mascara.

Second, another good for you. Is someone is a real friend, they can understand their friend needing some space and still being a friend.

"That time of year".

Some things to ponder and possibly discuss with your therapist.

1. Your birthday falls within the time frame you mention.

2. Some very traumatic and "down" things have happened during that timeframe and their "anniversaries" happen during that timeframe.

3. Do you think you might be one of those people effected by lack of sunlight? In other words, do you start to pull out of it as the days get longer and there's more sun? I'm lucky I live in San Diego but I notice I slow down a bit during this time and don't really get my energy (and a more positive attitude) back until end of Feb and into March. I am convinced if I lived in Alaska I'd live half of my life under one of those special sunlamps.

Just something to think about.

Re: Good for you!.

[chochiyo-sama.livejournal.com]

The rather adorable doctor DID give me my cortizone shots, and being painfree for several hours due to the painkiller mixed into it was a Very Good Thing,

I don't think my birthday itself is too much of a problem.

I think it is that a lot of the holidays are very family and child oriented, and I had so many dreams about how I would spend the holidays with my children--making costumes, carving punkins, having halloween parties, making haunted houses in the garage to amuse and terrify their litte friends, making "thankful" packages to give to the less fortunate during thanksgiving, making those stupid turkeys out of colored paper tracings of their hands, doing our own placemates with things we are thankful for displayed on them--hanging stockings and decorating the tree and reading Christmas stories and going to their Christmas programs...

All these things got me through a less than stellar childhood. When I was hiding in my closet (having dragged my night table lamp in there with me) playing paper dolls or barbies, I would imagine how MY kids would live THEIR lives--the diametrical opposite of my childhood. Fun and love and joy and play would abound for them--no screaming or hitting or ridiculing or humiliating.

And now this is not in the realm of possibility. Being a "big sister" won't cut it. I get that kind of satisfaction from pampering my kidsat school.

I don't know about the light thing--I've never really had an issue with the darkness time of year until the hysterectomy. That's when this holiday depression came roaring in year after year.

ONce it was beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would NEVER EVER EVER have my own children.

Last year was the absolute worst year ever. I don't know that I can take another one like that.

Not without being in a coma.

There's motherhood and there's motherhood.

[the_godiva]

You will never ever bear natural children. That does NOT mean you'll never be a Mother. This is something women our age have to accept hysterctomy or not. I had a VP that went through menopause in her 20s. She adopted. She was also single.

If this is something you really, really want, perhaps you should consider adoption.

Or become a foster parent.