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Am I sick or just stressed out?
Oct. 28th, 2008 11:55 pmAll day today I felt nauseated, and my lower back and hip joints ached. My appointment with my therapist was at 3 pm, and I had a lot of stuff I wanted to talk to her about. We have been working hard on my boundary issues--I have a very hard time setting boundaries and keeping people from encroaching on them. It's very difficult for me to handle hostility in situations, and generally when people attack me, I weather it, then never give them the opportunity to attack me again by dropping them from my life.
It is rare that I am driven to attack back, and I almost never do if the attack is on me alone. I am much more likely to attack if the attack is done on someone I care about--or someone who is weaker or vulnerable.
Well, I was able to report to my therapist today that I had stood my ground, fairly and without cruelty, in defending my boundaries within a relationship. Sadly, this ended the relationship, but it was a major step forward for me in my own quest to better myself. I did not allow myself to be bullied, pushed, or shamed into allowing something I knew would be destructive to my self.
I am grieving the loss of the relationship, but I am also feeling a heady sense of relief and joy at knowing that I took care of myself FOR myself. My therapist was so proud of me.
Who knows? By the time I die I might be closing in on self-actualization!
Anyhow. It was a good session, but the longer it went on the more nauseous I felt. There were still 15 minutes left of my time, but I told Bonnie, "Hunny, I am going to have to leave early, I'm afraid. I'm feeling very sick to my stomach, and I don't want to vomit in your office."
She said, "Oh, my! Go if you have to!"
So I booted out of there, and by the time I got half way to the bathroom, I was barely holding it in.
I don't know if my bout of puking was brought about by sickness or by stress. I know it is part of who I am to throw up when I am stressed, and God knows, the situation I was talking about has been terribly stressful.
I don't even want to go into details because it is just too disturbing. I have never been one to force people to do something they do not want to do--especially if it is something they feel is damaging to them--so when someone tries to force ME into doing something against my best interests, I stress out.
I continued to feel sickish on my way home, and when I got home, I put on my PJs and got under the covers. I was having chills by then. My mom called and I talked to her for a little while, then I started to read Brisinger, which I have been working my way through slowly. I fell asleep and didn't wake up till nearly 9 pm. So I poked around on the internet a while, decided to write this entry, and am now about to go to bed.
I don't feel nauseous or chilled at the moment, so maybe whatever it was has already run its course.
one can hope.
I don't feel quite as stressed as I did before. A good thing, I think. I am only going to own what is mine to own. Others must own their own sack of shit. It ain't mine.
