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I did not sleep at all last night.
I got up at about 5 am and worked on some of my patterns and sorted out some buttons and things. I had planned to just forget about sleep and stay up all day.
At about 6:30, I started feeling weird and light-headed. I figured I had better go back to bed as I didn't want to pass out or something.
So, I went to sleep and slept till about 1 pm.
Mom called me on my cell and wanted to know what I was doing. I had actually been awake for a while and was just cuddling one of the cats. She said Lily had called and wanted to know if I could massage her back, shoulders, and arms again as she was in terrible pain. I said I would be happy to but that I had to take a bath first as I felt terribly grungy.
The bath was sooo relaxing and pleasurable. I love my baths. I miss my larger, deeper tub, but a less than perfect bath is still pretty good.
I massaged Lily for a long time--over an hour, I'm thinking. She said that it felt better--she was still in pain, but not as much. I think I should massage her every day for a week or two and see if that doesn't loosen all that stuff up for her. I wouldn't mind.
Jerry put up a shelf in the garage for some of my stuff to sit on. When they left, it was about 4 pm. Mom and I had a bowl of potato salad and split the last piece of "cheesecake." Mom was feeling pretty miserable as she has contracted a cold and all colds go directly into her chest and she gets these horrible barking coughs.
We watched Judge Judy together, then I came downstairs and put my last load of laundry into the washer and folded the load that was in the dryer. I dragged the laundry basket full of stuff off the bar counter and emptied that out. I cleaned up the debris that was lying between the bed and the closet, put my other bedspread and my flannel sheets (all freshly laundered) into one of those big plastic bags that zip up and stuck it into the closet. I gathered up all empty water bottles and pop cans--4-5 of them--and put them in my recycle bag.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. I've set my alarm for 7 am, and I hope I am able to sleep tonight. I need to pick up a prescription from the drugstore in Kasson as well...and I need to swing by my old house and talk to the kids who live there. I also need to try to get ahold of Doug Klevos tomorrow and talk to him about the house situation. He is a realtor and he also has owned lots of rental properties. I think he can probably advise me wisely.
I am also stopping by ROC tomorrow to talk to Jay about the insurance thing.
I became overwhelmed with sadness, grief, and despair this evening and cried for quite a while. I just don't see why this had to happen. I am tired of people telling me how much the kids love me and how "everything will work out." No. It isn't going to work out. It is going to suck and suck mightily. I have been cheated and abused after giving 100% of my loyalty and effort. I have lost literally everything...
my job
my home
all of my furniture, including antiques and keepsakes
a ton of my personal items
a lot of my doll collection
contact with my kids
my income
my independence
my sense of belonging
my sense of self worth...
And now I fear I will lose the health insurance--and with my various medical issues (along with my obesity), it is highly unlikely I will find another insurance company to cover me.
So, where does that leave me?
Doomed, is how it feels.
I am just so tired of fighting.
Everything I have tried to do has just made things worse.
If I were suicidal, I'd be dead tonight. I don't know whether to be grateful that I am not suicidal or annoyed that I am not. Ha.
I am going to lie down in my bed now and pray for sleep.
Life sucks.
I got up at about 5 am and worked on some of my patterns and sorted out some buttons and things. I had planned to just forget about sleep and stay up all day.
At about 6:30, I started feeling weird and light-headed. I figured I had better go back to bed as I didn't want to pass out or something.
So, I went to sleep and slept till about 1 pm.
Mom called me on my cell and wanted to know what I was doing. I had actually been awake for a while and was just cuddling one of the cats. She said Lily had called and wanted to know if I could massage her back, shoulders, and arms again as she was in terrible pain. I said I would be happy to but that I had to take a bath first as I felt terribly grungy.
The bath was sooo relaxing and pleasurable. I love my baths. I miss my larger, deeper tub, but a less than perfect bath is still pretty good.
I massaged Lily for a long time--over an hour, I'm thinking. She said that it felt better--she was still in pain, but not as much. I think I should massage her every day for a week or two and see if that doesn't loosen all that stuff up for her. I wouldn't mind.
Jerry put up a shelf in the garage for some of my stuff to sit on. When they left, it was about 4 pm. Mom and I had a bowl of potato salad and split the last piece of "cheesecake." Mom was feeling pretty miserable as she has contracted a cold and all colds go directly into her chest and she gets these horrible barking coughs.
We watched Judge Judy together, then I came downstairs and put my last load of laundry into the washer and folded the load that was in the dryer. I dragged the laundry basket full of stuff off the bar counter and emptied that out. I cleaned up the debris that was lying between the bed and the closet, put my other bedspread and my flannel sheets (all freshly laundered) into one of those big plastic bags that zip up and stuck it into the closet. I gathered up all empty water bottles and pop cans--4-5 of them--and put them in my recycle bag.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. I've set my alarm for 7 am, and I hope I am able to sleep tonight. I need to pick up a prescription from the drugstore in Kasson as well...and I need to swing by my old house and talk to the kids who live there. I also need to try to get ahold of Doug Klevos tomorrow and talk to him about the house situation. He is a realtor and he also has owned lots of rental properties. I think he can probably advise me wisely.
I am also stopping by ROC tomorrow to talk to Jay about the insurance thing.
I became overwhelmed with sadness, grief, and despair this evening and cried for quite a while. I just don't see why this had to happen. I am tired of people telling me how much the kids love me and how "everything will work out." No. It isn't going to work out. It is going to suck and suck mightily. I have been cheated and abused after giving 100% of my loyalty and effort. I have lost literally everything...
my job
my home
all of my furniture, including antiques and keepsakes
a ton of my personal items
a lot of my doll collection
contact with my kids
my income
my independence
my sense of belonging
my sense of self worth...
And now I fear I will lose the health insurance--and with my various medical issues (along with my obesity), it is highly unlikely I will find another insurance company to cover me.
So, where does that leave me?
Doomed, is how it feels.
I am just so tired of fighting.
Everything I have tried to do has just made things worse.
If I were suicidal, I'd be dead tonight. I don't know whether to be grateful that I am not suicidal or annoyed that I am not. Ha.
I am going to lie down in my bed now and pray for sleep.
Life sucks.
