My little Komet has not been herself for about a week. Maybe a little longer...but not much. Today, I finally bit the bullet and took her to the vet. I was sure the problem would be with her kidney disease worsening. I thought she had probably lived to the end of her rope with that, since she's been dealing with that since 2002.
She hasn't been eating and her sides are heaving when she breathes. She isn't wheezing or gasping, but it appears that she is having difficulty breathing.
Well, my appointment was for 8:15 this morning. She was very opposed to being put in the cat crate, and struggled fiercely to escape. However, I was able to hang on to her and put her in it. I was prepared (sort of) emotionally to let her go if the vet said it was for the best.
Komet howled and screamed all the way to Byron. My goodness, it seems like a hellaciously long trip when you have a howling, screaming cat next to you. I felt so bad for her. I kept saying, "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."
I was early, which was good because I was able to go right into an exam room with her. The vet tech was the sweetest thing. She was so kind and gentle with Komet. I explained all her weird quirks and her symptoms. Komet only weighs 9 pounds, still. She's such a good little girl. It makes me feel so sad that she feels bad.
The vet agreed that it was probably her kidney disease, but that, depending on how much I was willing to do for her, I didn't need to think about putting her to sleep yet. She said the first step would be to give her subcutaneous fluids. They would teach me to do it, and I could do it at home.
From there, she said that there could be two different pills that we could start her on when that ceased being effective. She thought we could give her a couple more years with that, and I was willing to do those things as long as she isn't suffering.
The vet wanted to do blood work just to have the facts about where her kidney function, etc., was. She was sure the kidney readings would be worse than they were in 2002 because it had been several years, and it is the nature of this disease to progress.
So, I agreed to blood work, and they took Komet in the back and had a hell of a time with her. I could hear her screaming and yowling. Poor baby. Apparently she did not bite anyone, though she did try.
She looked pretty sad when they brought her out again. They had shaved one of her legs and part of her neck to get blood out. They also stuck a needle into her bladder to suck out a urine sample.
They set her on the exam table and she began crawling toward me with her head down. I pulled my chair up next to the table and put my arms around her, and she cuddled into the crook of my elbow and started to purr. It was like she was so happy to be back with her mommy after all that torture. I just held her and talked to her.
They then showed me how to give her subcutaneous fluids. I think I would be nervous, but I think I could do it. They thought I should put her back on the table's center and not hold her so close to my face when they gave her the fluids, in case she reacted badly and struck out at me.
I said I didn't think she would hurt her momma. I said I thought it would probably go easier if they let me hold her like that. She was totally better in my arms... She just buried her little face in the crook of my elbow and closed her eyes. She didn't move until the other tech reached to pinch the skin of her neck while they withdrew the needle. Then she hissed and snapped at her, but didn't bite her.
It cost me over $300 for today's visit, but I felt so relieved when I carried her out of the vet's office with me...I thought for sure I would be going home with an empty cat carrier. At worst, they'd put her to sleep and at best I would have to leave her there for tests.
She didn't yowl and scream on the way home--she cried a little, but I think that was mostly from the stress of being in the car.
The vet called me this afternoon with the test results--she said that they were not what she expected. She expected the kidney disease to be in full bore, but her tests showed improvement from the 2002 tests. So, she said that led her to believe that the heart was the primary issue. She had said in the office that she had a "galloping heartbeat." But she said that could be a result of her being so upset about being in a car and taken to the vet.
The vet is a good person, and I like her very much. She told me all about her cats that had similar issues. She has taken in cats that people decide to have put to sleep because they do not want to deal with the expense or the work of the treatment they need. So she has dealt with a ton of cats with these issues herself--as the pet owner.
She talked frankly with me about the lack of quality of life Komet will experience, and told me I should concentrate on the time I gave her up till now. And all I could think about were all the times she wanted to sit in my lap and I was trying to sew or work on the computer and I pushed her aside after only letting her sit there for a few minutes.
Today I held her in my lap until she got up and left on her own.
And about the times I went to my mom's house and left her alone for two or three nights. (I always gave her plenty of food and water, and if I was going to be gone much longer, I had Jim and DeAnn come and give her food and water and clean her box.)
I could have been a much better kitty momma.
But I don't think I was a horrible kitty momma either. I never ever hit her--even when she puked in my bed in the middle of the night--it wasn't her fault she was sick.
I never hit her when she peed on the kitchen floor right next to the litterbox either. I threatened to a couple of times, but I wouldn't ever hit her. Mom used to beat the shit out of our cats, even when they were old. The day little Max died, mom beat the hell out of her because she pooped on the rug--well, I think she pooped because she was dying. She crawled into dad's old toy train and wedged herself in there deep.
Then she died.
It was hell to get her body out of there. I don't know if she just died because she was dying or if she got stuck in there and died struggling to get out. I don't like to think about that.
I think that Komet might be on the verge of dying right now--she is breathing so hard. I wish I could make it easier for her. I wish God would just TAKE her...I don't want her to be afraid or suffer.
I talked to Komet just now--petted her and told her I loved her and that she could let go--that I loved her and I would miss her, but she didn't have to struggle to stay alive for me. I told her I would see her again, on rainbow bridge. And that she should wait for me with Kirby and my son, Mitzi. I told her I would miss her, but that she would always be in my heart, and I would be okay.
I don't know if I can have any more pets after this. It hurts too much to watch them go down.
She is sitting near me now, and between typing, I am petting her and telling her I love her--and of course, bawling my eyes out.
Every time I say, "I love you, sweetheart," she blinks both eyes very slowly. I think she is telling me she loves me too.
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