Meeting the New Therapist
Jan. 17th, 2007 04:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chochiyo_samaOk, I haven't mentioned it in here, or at least I don't think I have--but I have been in the process of deciding whether I should just quit going to my counselling appointments (because I don't think they are doing anything for me) or find a new therapist who maybe COULD do something for me. Anyhow, I asked Jeanne (who IS a therapist, and also sort of a friend of mine by default because she is a friend of DeAnn's and DeAnn is a friend of mine and I have done things with them) if she could recommend someone decent for me--someone who would not just tell me "you know what to do." She said she would, but life is busy, and she had not gotten back to me.
So, I was digging through my desk the other day and I found this pamphlet from the Associates in Psychology and Psychiatry that Mary had given me at some point. She had recommended this therapist named Heather Forde (pronounced For-day) and said that she did very well with her daughter Hannah. She deals with childhood abuse issues and with PTSD issues amongst a host of other issues--the main thing is that she is apparently good in the areas that I need the work in.
So, I was digging through my desk the other day and I found this pamphlet from the Associates in Psychology and Psychiatry that Mary had given me at some point. She had recommended this therapist named Heather Forde (pronounced For-day) and said that she did very well with her daughter Hannah. She deals with childhood abuse issues and with PTSD issues amongst a host of other issues--the main thing is that she is apparently good in the areas that I need the work in.
The building is right across from the Civic Center.
At first, I felt uncomfortable being in there--it was pretty high-toned. Also, the receptionist lady was one of those older "society lady" types that was cranky looking and really abrupt and sort of snotty. So I felt kind of uncomfortable from the start, especially since I had spent half an hour driving up and down the street looking for the place. I drove back and forth in front of it at least six times--and even drove through the parking lot once. When I called on the phone, I thought the receptionist said they were in a building across from the building on stilts--but what she actually said was that they were IN the building on stilts. DOH!!!
So I walked in right at 3 pm--and my appointment was at 3--so I felt scattered and rushed.
Then I had to fill out a whole clipboard of questions. ARG.
When the counselor finally came to get me, I was already sort of in a state of anxiety--and the therapist was really snappy looking--by which I mean really well dressed and pretty, which made me feel pretty raggedy and homely in comparison. Ha ha.
The chairs in her office were huge and I felt like they were going to swallow me. Ha ha. She offered me a pillow to put behind my back, since I am so freaking SHORT that my legs were sticking out in front of me like a Barbie doll without bendable legs. It was better after that.
Just after I sat down to talk to her, my cell phone rang--and amusingly enough--it was Jeanne, calling to tell me that she had not heard anything BAD about Heather Forde, which basically was a good thing. She hadn't heard much about her one way or another. So I told her I was sitting across from her right that moment, and so I didn't have time to chat. She told me that she was right across the hallway from her--and I said I'd pop over after my appointment was done.
Just after I sat down to talk to her, my cell phone rang--and amusingly enough--it was Jeanne, calling to tell me that she had not heard anything BAD about Heather Forde, which basically was a good thing. She hadn't heard much about her one way or another. So I told her I was sitting across from her right that moment, and so I didn't have time to chat. She told me that she was right across the hallway from her--and I said I'd pop over after my appointment was done.
Then, I got on with my appointment. We both sort of sat there for a while, looking at each other with big scared eyes. Heh heh. I felt like I was about to burst into tears--for no real reason--just nervous and anxious, I guess.
I told her right away that I felt out of place there--I said, "This place is a little high-toned for me--I feel like an escapee from the trailer park."
She asked me why I would feel like that, and I said, "I'm just nervous--I get funny when I get nervous." Then I told her how the entire surgical team was in hysterics before they put me under when I had the hysterectomy. The more nervous I get--the funnier I get. She said humor was a good defense mechanism. I said that it had helped me get through a lot in my life, but that sometimes I also used it as a shield to deflect things I didn't want to deal with. I thought she should know, since I might use it with her--it's an almost unconscious response when people get too close to a vulnerable area. I have become an expert at shielding myself from all sorts of things.
That isn't necessarily a good thing, I know.
She asked me what my issues for seeking therapy were, and I told her that I did GREAT in my professional life--I can't be beat there--and I am very good with other people. But....my personal life sucks. I feel unhappy and feel empty in my personal life.
She asked me why, and of course, I couldn't say--it's complicated. There are a lot of reasons why--and I just didn't feel able to spew them out right at that moment.
I told her that I had a friend who says that the "void" will be filled when I learn to love myself.
I told her that I had massive intimacy issues and authority issues and avoidance issues and perfectionism issues. I told her my house was a wreck, though I was now working on it, trying to get it back into shape--I believed I described it as a "festering pit of despair." I told her that my bills made me so anxious that I couldn't look at them or touch them or even go to the post office to GET them. And that when I finally did sit down to pay them, I was so anxious about it that I often throw up for the entire time I am paying them.
I told her that I had a history of childhood abuse--and that I had pretty much processed my angry and sad feelings about my parents being abusive assholes. Yes, I did use that word. And it wasn't the only naughty word I used while talking to her either. I also called my ex-boss, Brett Joyce, a vicious, evil little bastard, which he was AND is. I was anxious and nervous, and trying to get everything out. I think I might have said something about "all the shit I went through in childhood" affecting who I am now and how react to the world and what happens to me here and now.)
I told her about the authority issues that have pretty much been with me all my life because my first authority figures, my parents, misused their authority and now I expect all authority figures to be in it for the power, not care about the people they have authority over, and basically just be abusive jerks. I didn't get into my God issues....I'll save that for another day. I didn't get into my intimacy issues at all either--that's so hard for me to talk about. Makes me feel so abnormal. 
It's one of the hardest things for me to tell people because their reaction is always the same, either "YOU'RE KIDDING" or "NO WAY." And I just feel like such a loser and a factory reject then. Like, I am SOOOO damaged, there is no hope. Note: Those are emotional feelings--and not the logical, mental understanding that I have about things. But feelings run deep--and they are the things that HURT you.
It's one of the hardest things for me to tell people because their reaction is always the same, either "YOU'RE KIDDING" or "NO WAY." And I just feel like such a loser and a factory reject then. Like, I am SOOOO damaged, there is no hope. Note: Those are emotional feelings--and not the logical, mental understanding that I have about things. But feelings run deep--and they are the things that HURT you.I told her how I really had come a very long way in my life, but that I felt like I needed to go to the next level. I don't want to waste any more of my life.
There was more, but mostly, I have blanked out on it. I know we talked about the metaphor thing. I told her that I felt like I had a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription--that would be the stuff I learned in childhood about how lazy, stupid, ugly, worthless, and unloveable I was--and it affected how I see everything NOW. (I did not go into the messages I learned in childhood--I figured it was apparent that they were not good things.) I told her I needed to get a better pair of glasses. Ha ha.
She said that was a nice metaphor, and I said that, as an English teacher, I LOVED metaphors. She suggested a metaphor based therapy, which sounds interesting.
We talked a little bit about my experiences in a Jungian group--and how I liked it and felt like it set me on the road to being "saved" from the worst effects of my past.
She said that was a nice metaphor, and I said that, as an English teacher, I LOVED metaphors. She suggested a metaphor based therapy, which sounds interesting.
We talked a little bit about my experiences in a Jungian group--and how I liked it and felt like it set me on the road to being "saved" from the worst effects of my past.
I was like a limp rag when I got out of there. I went to Perkins and had eggs, sausage links, and pancakes for supper, because I felt shaky and giddy and weird. I knew I would not eat when I got home because of the way I felt. So, I ate eggs. They are a comfort food for me. Not sure why.
When I got home, I was sooooo tired and also I was freezing cold. I talked to a friend a little bit on IM, and she advised me to have a nap. So I put on my pjs and got under the covers in the hopes of getting WARM. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until Chrissie called me--which was only about 15 minutes before another friend also called. After I talked to both of them, I tried to do a little cleaning, but I was just so tired. I decided I would just go to bed. I slept through the whole night!
Now, in case you missed the implied message in there, I did not get my 30 minutes of cleaning done last night. I had committed myself to cleaning my house for at least 30 minutes each day--and I did really well for a while--but since the end of the quarter rolled around, I have been having a hard time maintaining the energy to do it after school.
I think it will get better once the new semester starts--I won't be so drained by nagging kids to get their stuff in so they can pass!
That's it for now, I guess.
That's it for now, I guess.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-18 12:00 am (UTC)The thought of it is upsetting my stomach, but it can't be worse than how you feel about the bills.
:)
Spilling the poison
Date: 2007-01-18 03:47 pm (UTC)I know it's hard, but it will be sooooo worth it.
*Hugs*
I am so proud of you.
Date: 2007-01-18 04:45 am (UTC)And you did do your daily cleaning. You did an entire hour of it. You didn't clean the house, you clean "in house". You did a head cleaning. That's just as important. Even God rested for one day a week. So clean the house for six days and on the seventh day...clean your head.
I am so proud of you.
Re: I am so proud of you.
Date: 2007-01-18 03:47 pm (UTC)Heh heh.
I almost didn't go at all when I couldn't find the building.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-18 07:19 pm (UTC)