Life is .....

[chochiyo_sama]

beyond my meager comprehension....

I've been battling a pretty serious state of fucked-upedness this week.

I suppose that going to the new therapist has stirred up a lot of shit and I am so deep in depression that I seriously just want to die.

I saw her again on Monday--she wanted the reader's digest version of the family life, so that she "knew where I had been" and could get a handle on it.

I recited the litany as if it were a nursery rhyme and without much emotion--but ever since then, it has been like being chewed up by a chipper shredder.  I've been crying all the time.  It's sickening.

I'm so tired of it.  My head hurts and I want to sleep ALL THE TIME.


I'm not even sure what I'm crying about--I just feel unbearably sad and so alone.

Anyhow--

I have an assignment from her--something about the kind of support network I need--who would be in it--how it would work--what I need from it.

I don't know jack.

Mostly, I want to be left alone when I am in pain.  I don't want someone hovering over me wanting me to explain why it hurts.

so, that is my current emotional state--SUCKAGE.

***************************************************************************************************

In other news....

Today, I put a patch on a pair of jeans for one of the boys--i sewed it by hand--it was a huge patch.  hehe
i did a nice neat job of it, if I do say so myself.

Also, today, one of my boys came into the room, and I could see right away that something was not right.   I said, "Hey, Tim, How's it going?"

He said, "Pretty shitty, Cheryl"

 I said, "Sorry to hear that.  Anything I can do?"

He said, "No."

 I taught class--then at the end, as they were lining up by the door as they always do--I said, "Tim," and crooked my finger at him in the time honored, "come here" signal

He came over with a look on his face, like, "NOW WHAT?"

 I stood up and put my arms around him and hugged him tight.  I whispered--"I can't do anything for your problems,  but I can care and love you."

And he just sort of melted into my arms--I felt his hurt lifting.  The feeling of being alone in his misery leaving. He is a BIG boy too--very tall--at least  a foot taller than me.  But when I hugged him, it was like hugging a very little boy.  He asked when my prep was and if he could come in and talk to me.

I said, "You are ALWAYS welcome in my room, Tim."

So, during my prep he came in and spilled the story--a girl was involved, of course. I gave him my teacherly/motherly/big sisterly advice, and he left in  much better spirits.

At the time, I wasn't thinking about anything except Tim--my eyes were filled with tears at HIS misery--after he went back to class (with me fibbing to Nick, the math teacher who is not at all touchy feely, that I needed him to help me with something--I am notoriously SHORT--and always impressing someone tall to help me with stuff)
after he went back to class, I sat in my room thinking how easy it was to help that little stinker--and wondering why it is apparently SO IMPOSSIBLE for me to get anything like that for my own self.

Is it that other people are just less observant and able to pick up on the clues than I am?  Or is it that they just don't care--or that I am unworthy of that kind of care?

I don't know.

The highlight of my day was eating Chicken and Broccoli from China King for lunch.

Yummy

Comments

[enteryouruserid.livejournal.com]

Damn those cans of worms, they don't fit back in do they? :-<

Sorry it sucks right now. But you are a wonderful person, remember that!

Hugggggsss!!!!

Well...

[the_godiva]

you have us here.

You've got friends. I'll bet you could call any of them and simply say "I need you to hug me. No talking. Just shut up and give me a hug." Hell, I'll bet even your students could do that for you. Have you ever told them "I don't feel very good today. I'm not sick. I'm just a little sad." I'll bet they would be there for you like you're there for them. In fact, it would probably do them a lot of good to be the giver instead of the taker for once.

I also think you need to get one of those visor lights for when there isn't enough sunlight in the winter. Good thing you don't live in Alaska.

And moving to California would probably do you a world of good. I think you are a displaced person.....accidentally born and living in the wrong place. In fact, it may not be an accident of birth at all but a curse of fate. I'll bet you *were* born in California and you were stolen as a baby by wandering gypsies and abandoned on a doorstep in Minnesota. That would explain a lot.

Re: Well...

[chochiyo-sama.livejournal.com]

that would explain a lot....

I've always believed I was secretly Roy Roger's and Dale Evan's child. The fact that I look like look like the kidnapper who called himself my father is merely coincidence....

hahaha

[(Anonymous)]

You know that what you should really do is visit the Watch, don't you?

Condolences on your Aunt Cho. My mom just died at the end of November. *sigh*

Come pay us a visit huh?

--Avatar

[duchym.livejournal.com]

It is so amazing that pain can go on like that, isn't it? I, too, had a childhood from hell, and it will come roaring back to life every so often, sometimes years after the last time, and knock me emotionally silly. But the thing is - people like us were able to survive it the first time - perhaps with some scarring, but we made it through and made good lives for ourselves, centered around helping other people.

And even when the demon memories come back, and it all hurts again, and you feel like someone kicked out the feet from under you and that there is no safety in the world or love in our lives - we can make it through this, too. We can. Yes -we can. Because we are too strong to let the bastards break us and beat us.

It is going to hurt like hell, reliving those demon memories (I call them my demon, because it tries to possess me) - but you will be able to get through it eventually.

And remember - you were an innocent child. You did nothing to deserve what was done to you. Nothing. Nothing at all! No matter what was done to you or said to you - you deserved none of it - and through your life spent teaching and helping others - you have proven youself to be a good and worthy person again and again and again. Do not ever lose sight of your great worth - cling to it like a life preserver when the doubts and terrible memories try to beat you down. You are a very worthy and kind and loving person - tell yourself that, remember that.

There is also love in the world.

~ duchess

[duchym.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to add, a couple of days later (from my other post) that I started reading a book called "The Kite Runner" this morning. The very first paragraph of the first page of the first chapter talks about how the notion of being able to bury memories forever is quite wrong. How truly painful, horrible memories can claw their way out of anything...