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chochiyo_samaYesterday morning, the fire siren went off at about 5 am. Recall that I didn't get to sleep till after midnight, so I did my life on less than five hours of sleep yesterday. Arg. It was not a pretty day.
I decided that I might as well just get up, since the alarm would be going off in a short time anyway.
I was tired and a bit cranky at school. I didn't take it out on the kids. But their behavior was more irritating to me than it normally would be. I found the laziness and chattiness especially annoying. Today was much better--I don't know if the kids were actually better behaved, or if I had just had more sleep and was better able to tolerate it. Hard to say.
At 2:30, I left school to go to my therapist appointment. It was the fourth one. As you may recall, I was a bit disturbed by last week's session because we just sat and stared at each other through most of the session. I didn't want to waste time--my mind was a complete blank, and she wasn't providing me any "pump priming." In order to assure that wouldn't happen again--EVER--I dug out some of my own "self-help" books. I pulled out Dr. Phil's Life Strategies and Cheryl Richardson's Take Charge of Your Life and even Julie Morgenstern's Organizing from the Inside Out. I figured something in one of them would give me some stimulation.
On the way there, I was so out of it from sleep deprivation that I blew right through a stop sign. Luckily no one was coming, and no cops saw the evil deed.
Well, it turned out that we discussed some events from my life involving one good friend (Chrissie), one "acquaintance" whom I neither trust nor respect who is adored to the point of worship by Chrissie, and one other person whom I do not know at all, who despises this "acquaintance." Anyhow, Chrissie and this other person discussed the "acquaintance" and the way she treats people. This happened some time on Saturday. On Sunday morning, I think, the "acquaintance" called up Chrissie and reamed her a new one for "talking about her behind her back."
Well, Sunday evening, Chrissie called me and wanted to know who I had been talking to about her (ie Chrissie). Well, the answer was "no one," because of course, I had not been talking to anyone about her.
She didn't believe me, thinking that I had said something to someone about what her and this other chick had discussed. Stupidly, I tried to convince her--which was dumb, because people will believe what they believe, no matter what.
I talked to another friend who knows all three of them--and he said that Chrissie's talking to the person I didn't know stirred up a lot of old hurt feelings about the "acquaintance" and this had led her to calling up the "acquaintance" and having it out with her. Then the "acquaintance" called Chrissie, who was then devastated because the "acquaintance" was upset and "hurt." Personally, I think the "acquaintance" is like a crocodile. You couldn't pierce through that tough ass hide with a diamond drill.
So, then I was relieved because I was beginning to wonder if I had said something to someone inadvertantly which set this whole shit fest in motion, because I HAD recently discussed Ms. Acquaintance with my friend Mike, regarding her control-freakism and her sadistic streak. I had NOT, however, discussed anything to do with Chrissie's comments about her.
Anyhow--the whole thing was so friggin' JUNIOR HIGH that I wanted to puke--and I can't believe I let it upset me. It did, however.
Anyhow, my therapist wanted to know "What did it matter whether she believed you or not?"
Well, I dunno. I just don't like people to think I would (a) betray their confidence or (b) lie.
And she again wanted to know, "Why do you care if they think that? If they are truly your friend, they would know better."
Then we discussed the number of very needy people that seem to be in my circle of friends. And she wanted to know what "need" of mine having these very needy people in my life filled.
I was a blank on that one.
She suggested that people are attracted to people like themselves--and suggested that maybe I had a "neediness" of my own.
Well, that wasn't a very appealing thought. It must have shown on my face, because she said something along the lines of, "There are lots of 'healthy' people who are also attracted to you--they are attracted to the healthy part of you." Then she listed off a couple of friends I had told her about before--intelligent, wise, "together" people.
Then she told me that it was very likely that, as I grew healthier, a lot of my current friendships would end, especially those with unhealthy, excessively needy people.
She said that those type of people would see themselves in stark contrast to a healthier me--and either it would inspire them to get healthy themselves or it would cause them to feel disconnected with me and distance themselves. She said that normally, the distancing happened.
At some point in the discussion, I made an off the cuff comment about something--then said, "Oh, that was my inner child."
Then she said something about my inner child popping up--being funny and witty and clever and sly--the good part of my inner child--not the beaten down, abandoned, unloved part.
Then she got me a thin book called TA for Kids (and Adults Too) by Alyn and Martaret Freed. (TA for "Transactional Analysis") I remember reading I'm Okay, You're Okay when TA was big stuff back in the '70s. I'm supposed to pay special attention to the first three chapters.
I'm supposed to learn how to parent myself.
This should be interesting. Ha ha ha.
I'm sending myself to TIME OUT. In Hawaii.
hee hee hee.
She said that some of the stuff was "dated" but that there was some good stuff in there too. It's pretty simplistic.
I mentioned having read The Highly Sensitive Person and that there was some really lame stuff in there--but that some of it had been very enlightening and made me understand myself a lot better. We also talked about the "Ivory Tower" and the "Sacred Fountain" (which is just metaphorical for being an introvert or being an extrovert).
There was more, too, but I can't remember the rest.
At the very end, I told her about the strange dreams I'd been having about religious figures. One day, we will have to work on my God Issues.
Oh, one other thing we talked about regarding the "needy" people--I said I felt like it was my responsibility to help people--and she asked why. I said, "Because I can."
She said, "No, that's not it."
I was blank on that one.
"It goes back to your core beliefs about yourself," she said.
"That I don't feel I have a right to exist for myself--that I only am justified in existing if I am of use to other people?" I asked.
"Yep."
Then I told her how I feel responsible for everyone I know. Told her about the dreams I have about trying to save people from tornadoes or floods or nuclear holocausts. Told her about the little bats or rabbits or other animals that appear in the dreams, and how I even feel like it is up to me to save THEM.
She said that people are responsible to save themselves.
Maybe so--but....sometimes people aren't capable of doing that.
I don't know if I can eliminate that part of myself that is always trying to save others.
I just don't know.
I decided that I might as well just get up, since the alarm would be going off in a short time anyway.
I was tired and a bit cranky at school. I didn't take it out on the kids. But their behavior was more irritating to me than it normally would be. I found the laziness and chattiness especially annoying. Today was much better--I don't know if the kids were actually better behaved, or if I had just had more sleep and was better able to tolerate it. Hard to say.
At 2:30, I left school to go to my therapist appointment. It was the fourth one. As you may recall, I was a bit disturbed by last week's session because we just sat and stared at each other through most of the session. I didn't want to waste time--my mind was a complete blank, and she wasn't providing me any "pump priming." In order to assure that wouldn't happen again--EVER--I dug out some of my own "self-help" books. I pulled out Dr. Phil's Life Strategies and Cheryl Richardson's Take Charge of Your Life and even Julie Morgenstern's Organizing from the Inside Out. I figured something in one of them would give me some stimulation.
On the way there, I was so out of it from sleep deprivation that I blew right through a stop sign. Luckily no one was coming, and no cops saw the evil deed.
Well, it turned out that we discussed some events from my life involving one good friend (Chrissie), one "acquaintance" whom I neither trust nor respect who is adored to the point of worship by Chrissie, and one other person whom I do not know at all, who despises this "acquaintance." Anyhow, Chrissie and this other person discussed the "acquaintance" and the way she treats people. This happened some time on Saturday. On Sunday morning, I think, the "acquaintance" called up Chrissie and reamed her a new one for "talking about her behind her back."
Well, Sunday evening, Chrissie called me and wanted to know who I had been talking to about her (ie Chrissie). Well, the answer was "no one," because of course, I had not been talking to anyone about her.
She didn't believe me, thinking that I had said something to someone about what her and this other chick had discussed. Stupidly, I tried to convince her--which was dumb, because people will believe what they believe, no matter what.
I talked to another friend who knows all three of them--and he said that Chrissie's talking to the person I didn't know stirred up a lot of old hurt feelings about the "acquaintance" and this had led her to calling up the "acquaintance" and having it out with her. Then the "acquaintance" called Chrissie, who was then devastated because the "acquaintance" was upset and "hurt." Personally, I think the "acquaintance" is like a crocodile. You couldn't pierce through that tough ass hide with a diamond drill.
So, then I was relieved because I was beginning to wonder if I had said something to someone inadvertantly which set this whole shit fest in motion, because I HAD recently discussed Ms. Acquaintance with my friend Mike, regarding her control-freakism and her sadistic streak. I had NOT, however, discussed anything to do with Chrissie's comments about her.
Anyhow--the whole thing was so friggin' JUNIOR HIGH that I wanted to puke--and I can't believe I let it upset me. It did, however.
Anyhow, my therapist wanted to know "What did it matter whether she believed you or not?"
Well, I dunno. I just don't like people to think I would (a) betray their confidence or (b) lie.
And she again wanted to know, "Why do you care if they think that? If they are truly your friend, they would know better."
Then we discussed the number of very needy people that seem to be in my circle of friends. And she wanted to know what "need" of mine having these very needy people in my life filled.
I was a blank on that one.
She suggested that people are attracted to people like themselves--and suggested that maybe I had a "neediness" of my own.
Well, that wasn't a very appealing thought. It must have shown on my face, because she said something along the lines of, "There are lots of 'healthy' people who are also attracted to you--they are attracted to the healthy part of you." Then she listed off a couple of friends I had told her about before--intelligent, wise, "together" people.
Then she told me that it was very likely that, as I grew healthier, a lot of my current friendships would end, especially those with unhealthy, excessively needy people.
She said that those type of people would see themselves in stark contrast to a healthier me--and either it would inspire them to get healthy themselves or it would cause them to feel disconnected with me and distance themselves. She said that normally, the distancing happened.
At some point in the discussion, I made an off the cuff comment about something--then said, "Oh, that was my inner child."
Then she said something about my inner child popping up--being funny and witty and clever and sly--the good part of my inner child--not the beaten down, abandoned, unloved part.
Then she got me a thin book called TA for Kids (and Adults Too) by Alyn and Martaret Freed. (TA for "Transactional Analysis") I remember reading I'm Okay, You're Okay when TA was big stuff back in the '70s. I'm supposed to pay special attention to the first three chapters.
I'm supposed to learn how to parent myself.
This should be interesting. Ha ha ha.
I'm sending myself to TIME OUT. In Hawaii.
hee hee hee.
She said that some of the stuff was "dated" but that there was some good stuff in there too. It's pretty simplistic.
I mentioned having read The Highly Sensitive Person and that there was some really lame stuff in there--but that some of it had been very enlightening and made me understand myself a lot better. We also talked about the "Ivory Tower" and the "Sacred Fountain" (which is just metaphorical for being an introvert or being an extrovert).
There was more, too, but I can't remember the rest.
At the very end, I told her about the strange dreams I'd been having about religious figures. One day, we will have to work on my God Issues.
Oh, one other thing we talked about regarding the "needy" people--I said I felt like it was my responsibility to help people--and she asked why. I said, "Because I can."
She said, "No, that's not it."
I was blank on that one.
"It goes back to your core beliefs about yourself," she said.
"That I don't feel I have a right to exist for myself--that I only am justified in existing if I am of use to other people?" I asked.
"Yep."
Then I told her how I feel responsible for everyone I know. Told her about the dreams I have about trying to save people from tornadoes or floods or nuclear holocausts. Told her about the little bats or rabbits or other animals that appear in the dreams, and how I even feel like it is up to me to save THEM.
She said that people are responsible to save themselves.
Maybe so--but....sometimes people aren't capable of doing that.
I don't know if I can eliminate that part of myself that is always trying to save others.
I just don't know.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-13 09:53 pm (UTC)We all have a responsibility to other people, but, in the end, one's responsibility to oneself outweighs that. By a lot. There is only so much that can be done.
"Free will's" a bitch.
She's a keeper.
Date: 2007-02-14 01:41 am (UTC)Do as she says, even if you don't think it will "work". Give it a shot.
I think she has something about growing healthier. You'll know who your friends are in that as you get healthier those friendships will grow stronger, if that is possible. And those unhealthy, bloodsucking friends will slough off like.....eeww, bad metaphore here....ticks that have had their fill and move on to another victim. (Isn't that awful?)
I think you should send yourself to time out in Hawaii. Or Southern California. Or anyplace else you'd like to go. Plan on a time out for next summer. When was the last time you had a vacation of any time for strictly your own pleasure and no other reason? Not a conference. Not having to accompany a family member to hold their hand for some crisis. No other reason than for pleasure. Don't tell me DeAnn or someone else can't feed the cat for a few days. Wouldn't you like to go someplace to just take pictures, look at some museums or sites or just relax by a pool and be waited on by the pool boy? Is there anyplace you've always wanted to go and see? Mount Rushmore? The butter museum? Is there a doll and bear show nearby coming up in the next few months? Come on. I'll bet you can find someplace really...."miserable" to time yourself out to.
The answer is never....
Date: 2007-02-14 06:04 pm (UTC)The closest I came was going to Bemidji by myself last summer for the writing classes. I am thinking of doing it again this year--but I feel bad about leaving the cat for a week by herself--and I am sorta thinking of staying a little extra time--so I can have some time on my own to write and think and sight see.