Thursday

Something must be terribly wrong.  I feel very optimistic today.

Heh heh heh

My knee feels very good today.  The best thing about having horrific pain is how great you feel when it finally stops.

I saw Sarah (my counselor) yesterday.  She was trying to pin me down to a specific goal.  I said, "How do I pick just one goal?  I have millions and zillions of goals."

Which of course, she said, and I already KNOW, that this is my problem.  I have so many goals that there is no way I can possibly achieve them all. 

In our discussion, I told her that I know that my biggest problem lies in the fact that I am an all or nothing person.  I am either PERFECT in my performance of whatever I have on my agenda--or I suck absolutely.  She asked what I thought I should do about that, and I said I would like to find a way to be PERFECT all the time--but that I knew it was ridiculous and impossible.  Doesn't stop me from WANTING it though.

Another thing that we talked about is something DeAnn and I have talked about MANY times--I have so many interests, and honestly, so many things that I CAN DO, that sometimes, I just stand and tremble, because I want to do ALL of them, and I don't know which to choose.

I also have a very hard time prioritizing.  To me, everything seems equally urgent.  And it ALL seems urgent.

So, Sarah's advice was to make a list each day of THREE things--and ONLY three--to accomplish.  Then, do them.  And the rest of the day, I should do what I want and not feel guilty if I don't do ANYTHING AT ALL.

So, I told her that my problem is that I might choose to do three things like Clean the Kitchen, Do the Laundry, and Clean the Bathroom.

BUT, in those categories, there are a million subcategories.  I could spend two weeks on the kitchen alone--cleaning out every cupboard, organizing the food cupboards, sorting through all of my dishes...I see too many details.

So, she laughed and told me to be reasonable.

Not my strong suit. Heh heh

So, today, I am going to do these three things: 

Clean my bedroom--which will entail

• hanging up and putting away all the laundry that I've done and just folded and piled
• sacking up all the garbage that I discover as I clean
• clearing off all the surfaces
• remaking the bed which has become a clump of bedding at the foot of the bed.
• dusting all of the bookshelves and dressers and stuff.
• picking up and putting away all the clutter
• vaccuuming the area rug
• mopping the floor area (there is probably cat puke in some hidden corner)
• sorting through all the loose papers that I have stacked all over the place in here and either filing or throwing them.
• finding a better place for the bedding and towels that are stacked in the corner, since my "linen cupboard" is down in my porch where it has been since all my stuff came back from storage.  Also, the shelves in that thing need to be reglued or something because they have all fallen off.
• (Probably not today) sort through all my clothes and either throw or give away the things I don't wear or, if they are things I don't want to part with, packing them up in totes so they aren't occupying valuable hanging space.

Clean the bathroom

• scrub out the tub.  Dove soap sucks.  It leaves horrific bathtub scum.  Of course I have bought an 8-pack of it, so I'm stuck with it for probably a year.
• clean the toilet.  A disgusting job.
• Clean the sink.
• sweep and scrub the floor.

Clean the hallway

• scrub the floor--there are at least three piles of cat puke from yesterday in the hallway.
• wash down the little dresser thingy that was in storage and is dirty still
• See if the towels and stuff will fit in that thingy
• put away the clutter lying around out there.

See how three things on a list can be really quite excessive?

I'd also really like to get the kitchen cleaned....the floor scrubbed, the counters cleaned off--I have two boxes of stuff that have been sitting on the counter for months--mostly spices and stuff.

I think I'm going to throw away 85% of my stuff since I don't and never will use it.

It's also OLD as the hills.

Hope called last night and wanted to come over to visit.  I had just put on my pjs and crawled into my bed, so I told her no.  So she's gonna come today around noon.  She is a dear girl (former student) and I love her very much.  But I'm really not into being with people at the moment, so I'm not looking forward to her visit. 

Once she is here, I will enjoy her company and be glad she came over.

That's the way I am.

DeAnn and I had talked about going to see the movie Bewitched this afternoon.  I hope we can.  I've been looking forward to doing something fun.  Before we do that, though, I have to put gas in my car.  The idiot light came on yesterday on my way home from Kasson.  That's fine since I have no cash, and I should write a check for a bit more to cover the cost of seeing the movie. 

I get paid tomorrow, thank goodness. 

Well, that's about it.  It's already nearly 10 am and I haven't eaten or even brushed my teeth or taken my drugs.  If I'm going to get anything done, I better get at it.

I've been soooo lazy lately.

Last night Peter and I played scrabble.  That crazy man!  It was 9:30 here when we started--so it was already 10:30 for him.  We tried to keep to the timer for a short game, but we still were up playing until 12:30 my time, which meant 1:30 HIS time.  Sigh.

Goof ball.

This morning I had an IM from him saying he overslept 1.5 hours.  And I FELT GUILTY.  I felt even more guilty because I selfishly enjoyed playing so much, even though I KNEW he had to work in the morning.  To be fair to myself, though, I did ask him several times if he was sure and also if he wanted to quit due to excessive tiredness.

BTW--he beat me last night by an eyelash.

heh heh heh

He was so proud.

(((Peter)))

Such a monkey.

Well, I've got to get some work done.

I MUST seize this house back from the jaws of chaos.  Or die trying.

 

Gah. I'm dripping with sweat.

First off, does anyone know HOW THE HELL TO TURN OFF THE FUCKING YAHOO MAIL ALERTS????

I have looked at every preference and setting and I'll be damned if I can figure it out.  The constand interruption of "You have 1 new message" is going to drive me fucking berserk.  Also, it makes my computer lock up sometimes.  It wasn't bad before I joined the yahoo doll lovers group, but it is now SERIOUSLY pissing me off.

I don't want to disconnect from the group because it is interesting, but there are about 180 messages a day!!

Second, I'm sitting down for a breather and a progress report. 

I've got the bathroom almost conquered.  I had to come into my bedroom to let the airconditioning blow on me and cool me off, and also to inhale some air not tainted by a variety of cleaning chemicals.  PU.  I was actually getting extremely nauseated in there--due to the heat, the smell of chemicals, or the disgust at HOW FILTHY my bathroom had actually become....I'm not sure which  Also, the scrubbing bubbles need to sit and devour that yucky Dove soap scum for a while before I can rinse them down the drain and listen to their final "YAHOOOO" as they spin into the abyss.

Then all that's left to do in there is a quick mop.

It's 1:05 at the moment.  I may just have enough time to scrub the hallway floor and the bathroom floor (after cleaning the tub).  Then, I must have a very quick bath before getting myself ready to go see Bewitched with DeAnn. 

It is in the plans to get me an airconditioner today.  It will cost less than $200, but I am a bit financially worried as my house insurance is due (about $350), and of course there are the other bills.  I can't put the air conditioner on my credit card because, in a fit of rage over my financial condition, I cut them all into very small pieces.  I do have the new Target Visa, but I'm thinking the interest on that sucker is like 19%.  I got it because I could get 10% off on the day's purchases.  I figured I would pay it off at once, then cut it up too....

I haven't done it yet, since I have not yet received the bill.

My stomach hurts....NOW from thinking about money.

I hate money.

Ack.

Well, I am no longer dripping with sweat, so I suppose I better go back and finish my task.

Time goes by so quickly.  That makes my head spin AS WELL AS my stomach hurt.

Fuck.

Well, I still feel moderately optimistic about everything else EXCEPT fucking, miserable damned money.

Okay.

That's enough of a rant for now.

Ta

A Full Day

Well, here is the final report of the day.  I'm very tired and am ready to go to bed.

I got the bathroom totally cleaned except to scrub the floor.

I got the hallway cleaned and scrubbed except for the small chest of drawers.

I got the bedroom about 1/3 of the way cleaned.  I cleaned out the shelves, sorted all the loose crap, and put away the clean clothes that were in the laundry basket.  I filed a bunch of the reference materials (mostly on writing with a few articles I had printed out on emotional abuse) in a three-ring binder to deal with later.  At least the articles are separated and in page protectors so the cat cannot PUKE on them, as she has with other ones.

I have several patterns and craft ideas that I have not sorted and filed yet.  I may do that before I go to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow (or Saturday) on my way to my mom's, I must stop at either Target or Walmart and buy a large tote to pack my  unworn clothing that I want to save in.  I also need to buy at least one drawer storage unit for the large number of Barbie clothes that I have scattered here there and everywhere.  Ideally, I'd like to have a single three drawer storage unit for just the regular barbie--I could divide the clothing out into dresses, pants and blouses, and holiday wear....eventually, I'd like to be able to have a three-drawer storage unit for each KIND/SIZE doll I have and divide the clothing up accordingly--but I haven't the time or the money (or the space either) for that at the moment.

Right now I just want a place for them to exist that isn't laying all over the house.  A central location, if you will.

I'm not going to put a lot of thought into that right now.  Right now, I just want to be able to walk into my house without wanting to cry at the sight of how godawful cluttered and dirty it is.

Okay--enough whining. 

At 2:15 pm, I filled my car up with gas--$32.00--gods!!!--then went to get DeAnn.  Rob (the baby robin) had been hopping around the yard, following her everywhere, and when she went through the garage, he blithely followed her into the garage and proceeded to follow right behind her.  So she had to go catch the little bugger and put him back into the lilac tree.  Heh heh...  Jim (DeAnn's husband) says, "He's not too smart."  Heh heh heh.

So we saw Bewitched in the new theater in Owatonna--the new theater is AWESOME.  It's huge!  And the seats are extremely comfortable, and there is generous space between the seats you sit in and the seats in front of you.  And in the bathroom, the toilet paper holders are ABOVE you, where they should be, instead of down by your feet, so you practically have to stand on your head to get at the freaking toilet paper!  Bewitched was cute.  Nicole Kidman had a weird baby-talk thing going on throughout the movie which kinda put me off--She was doing a Meg-Ryan type character with that breathy-baby talk-pouty-whispery voice that Marilyn Monroe used to use.  So, that was a little bizarre.  Will Farrell was very funny as the sorta washed up actor that played Darren. 

I enjoyed it very much despite the Kidman weirdness.  DeAnn and I were the only ones in the whole huge theater.  Heh heh.  We felt like royalty for whom the whole theater had been rented at great expense so that we didn't have to rub elbows with the commoners. 

DeAnn took advantage of the emptiness of the theater to put on an amazing dance recital (at least three or four curtain calls of it too) in the aisles.  She bought popcorn, and I, the eternal fool, ate several handfuls of it--though really, not more that 5-6--and it immediately made me queasy.  The queasiness continued till I got home and ... uh .... eliminated it from my body.  I'm becoming very good at just thinking about puking and then doing it--I could almost graduate to bulimia if that's what I felt like doing...which I don't.  I felt MUCH better once that greasy shit was out of my body...

After the movie, we went through the Subway drive through and got subs for supper--and through the Starbucks drive-thru where she got an iced coffee and I got a "strawberries and cream" smoothie type drink which was DELICIOUS. 

From there we went to Lowe's--after debating whether or not I should get the air conditioner NOW, when I feel financially strapped.  Finally, we decided we would just DO IT.  Let the chips fall where they may.  If worse comes to worse, I can always borrow money from my credit union (even though I JUST got the last loan from there paid off...sigh...)

In Lowe's I got that weird, sickening, sensory-overload feeling from its immensity and the overwhelming plethora of STUFF looming over me.  I looked straight ahead and focused on breathing slowly and deeply until we could get out of there.  As long as I was there, I looked at a bunch of closet organizer stuff and also at some prefab kitchen cupboards.  If I am going to be stuck in Fucking West Concord forever, at least I'm going to make this house liveable.  I.E. convenient for me and USEABLE.  Which it isn't at the current time.

Of course, I cannot AFFORD all of this stuff at the present time, but I hope to be able to afford it eventually--I keep slugging away at the bills.  I probably should not have bought this laptop--or probably should not have bought such an EXPENSIVE one, but I do LOVE IT so much.  The thought of not having it makes me want to cry. 

I have had several compliments on the doll clothes that I have made, and I do think I should try them out on EBAY.  I have seen tiny little crocheted outfits for Kelly doll (who is three inches tall) go for $20.  Once a little knitted coat went for over $40.  If I could get $5-10 per little outfit, I'd be in heaven.

And I do believe I make really cute doll clothing--especially for the children dolls.  Everything is hand sewn, and every hem is doubled over so there are no rough edges to ravel.

After dropping off DeAnn, I drove around the block so I could look at the stuff on the neighbor's garage sale, and saw Pat Day walking in the next block, so I drove up and talked to him for about half an hour.  He is feeling frustrated because he wants to write so much this summer, and there has been one thing after another preventing him from setting down and doing it.  I know exactly how he feels.  Sigh.

I MUST get this house in order so I can write without feeling guilty about it--or being unable to FOCUS on it because I have so many other things rattling around inside my brain, demanding my attention.

I'm worried about Pat; he doesn't look good.  He looks old and tired.  He says he doesn't think he can keep teaching for another 15 years (til retirement)--I believe him.  I couldn't have taught another FIVE years at that cess pool, Triton.

GRR.

Brett Joyce is a fucking asshole.  The school board at Triton is a bunch of fucktards for allowing him to continue to conduct his reign of terror over the teachers and kids at that school.

Even Denny Midthun, according to Karla Schmoll, has fallen out of love with the nasty, arrogant little prick.

When will the school board WAKE THE FUCK UP and fire his pathetic ass?

Ah, well.  I'm not in it anymore, I'm FREE of the shitstorm that is Triton.  Thank God.

But there are still a few people there that I care about.

So.

I guess that's it from me today.  I'm tired and I need to sleep.  And my bed is still covered with a bunch of stuff that I would really like to finish sorting out before I collapse for the night.

I don't want the throw it over the side and then have it get all kicked around and messed with by the cat (wo, as far as I know, didn't puke ANYWHERE today).

Okay.

I'm done.