TA: Chapter 6 & 7

 

Chapter Six; How to Know Who’s in Charge--Parent, Adult or Child

There are four ways to know which Ego State (Parent, Adult, Child) is in charge. We ask ourselves, “Where am I coming from, my Parent, Adult, or Child?”

First, you know how you feel. Your Child is the part of you where your feelings are.

Second, you know by your language. Here are three lists of words that make it clear whether the Parent, Adult, or Child is in charge.

Parent                                           Adult                                                      Child

That’s a no-no                            Better                                                       Wow

Stop that!                                     Easier                                                      Yummy

Ridiculous!                                  I think so.                                                 Heck

That’s stupid                              I can figure it out                                       Pow

Silly                                               I’m going to study now                           The greatest

Shame on you                             Will you help me, please                      The pits!

Let me help you                           May I have an apple                               Cool

Think positive.                              No thanks, I’d rather walk                     I want

Let me worry about it                     The answer is 98                                I don’t want

Keep a stiff upper lip               The school is 3 blocks from here            Darn

Turn that frown upside down

Go to your room

I love you very much

You’re pretty sharp

Third, you can be aware of how other people are acting toward you. If others are reacting in a Parent mode, your Child is probably hooking them.

Fourth, you can be aware of the way you act. Screaming, whining, crying? Child is in charge. Scolding, shaking your finger, helping someone? Parent is in charge. Reading a book and answering questions? Adult is in control.

Why is it important to know all this?

If I can find out which one of me is boss, I can understand others and make them able to understand me better.

Sometimes the messages don’t get through to the proper Ego State because another Ego State is messing up the messages. This is called “contamination.” When this happens, we can’t hear what the other people are saying to us.

Exercises: See if the Adult, Child, or Parent is talking.

1. I hurt my toes, darn it. Child

2. I’ll put some medicine and a Band-Aid on it. Adult

3. That was a stupid thing I did, kicking that can. Parent

 

1. Name the one inside of you who thinks for yourself Adult

2. Name the one inside of you who makes sense. Adult

3. You can make a computer but a computer cannot make you. True

4. Adult takes care of Child by thinking. True

5. Only your Adult makes decisions based on fact. True

6. Parent works like a cash register. False

7. Adult works like a tape recorder. False.

Chapter 7: I’m OK, You’re OK.

Everybody is born OK (and you still are).

“OK” means “worth something, able, and important.”

“Able” means able to think. “OK” means being worthwhile, being important to yourself and others, and being able to do what you need to do.

How come so many of us have feelings of being not OK?

When you are first born, you are OK and you FEEL ok. You feel like a Prinz (Prince of Princess). Later you get Cold Pricklies that cause you to lose your OK feelings and begin to feel like a Froz (a boy or girl frog).

When you start to get older, your parents feel that they must teach you what to do to be “human.” So they start giving you strokes for doing what they want you to do. If you are not able to do what they want you to do when they want you to do it--or the way they want you to do it, they tell you what’s wrong, or how bad you are, or how nasty and mean and ugly and disobedient or uncooperative you are.

Then you say to yourself, “I am a mess, a failure. I couldn’t have gotten this way by myself in this short space of time. It must be that I was born a mess. I guess I am a defective product. I’m not really OK, and I never will be. I’m a loser.”

Then you think, “My parents and everybody else are OK. They are all important, worthwhile, and adequate. But not me. I am not OK.”

Suddenly you realize that, if you’re not OK, you won’t get strokes--but you NEED strokes. So, you’ve got to do something about that. You make a big decision: “Even though I’m not OK, I won’t let anyone else know it. I’ll keep a nice smile on my face, and I’ll be good and do what they want me to. That way, they’ll think I am OK and give me strokes, even though I know I am NOT.”

That decision, which we made long ago, is keeping us from feeling OK now--isn’t that silly? Being OK doesn’t mean that everything we do is perfect or even “right.” We make mistakes and don’t please ourselves or other people--but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m OK and so are you and so is everyone else.

Exercises

1. Decide if you are OK.

So they say.

2. Decide if you agree that everyone is OK.

Yep.

3. Are you a Froz or a Prinz? Want to change?

Hmmm….don’t feel like a Prinz.

Maybe.