I slept last night--not very much, about five hours, but at least I slept.
I did not want to get up when the alarm went off at 7:15, but I had an appointment with my therapist in Rochester at 10 and it takes about an hour and a half to drive there from Ellendale...a long drive.
I had a couple crusts of bread, toasted and spread with peanut butter. I have not been eating much and yesterday I did not take any of my meds at all and I really NEEDED to take my morning meds today.
I did not have anything to drink with my toast, so I couldn't take the pills.
I pulled off Highway 14 at Kasson and picked up my atenolol prescription. Then I went to Prairie Stone which is like a tiny little coffee shack which also makes good tea and smoothies. I was going to have a pineapple smoothie and take my meds with it...however, I sat there for fifteen minutes waiting for the slow dipshit to serve the ONE and ONLY car in front of me. Finally, I said "Screw it" and pulled around that car and left.
I went through the drive through at Burger King and got an orange juice. I doubt I waited more than ten seconds for it. It was cheaper as well. I was sooo thirsty that I sucked that puppy down and did not take the meds.
Even though the Prairie Stone kept me waiting, I got to my appointment 10 minutes early. I had plenty of time to stop at the restroom to pee and then sit in the waiting room reading my book for a while. This morning, I started the book AFTER again. I started it once before but I just couldn't get "into" it as I was so freaking busy and over worked at school. It is about what happens at a school after a killing rampage has occured at a nearby school. It sounds very intriguing, and the writing is not bad.
My therapist always offers me a Diet Coke or water when I see her, so I had a coke and took my meds with that. I spent most of my time with her talking about how miserable I have been and how I just feel screwed and doomed. I told her of my fears that the school would not give me health insurance and how my pre-existing conditions and obesity would prevent my being able to get other insurance. She just kept shaking her head and telling me I did not deserve this.
She advised me to insist that Jay find a way to help me, since he got me into this situation.
I owed her $800 from previous appointments, so I used my health savings card to pay her $600. There wasn't enough on it to pay the full amount. She said not to worry about it. Pay it when I had it. I told her that this might be the last time I saw her since I didn't think I would have medical insurance in September. She showed herself to be a compassionate and caring individual when she said, "Don't worry about money. You just come and see me when you need to." I took that as an offer of free therapy...more or less. And I was very touched by that gesture, after all that has been ripped away from me, to be given something was very touching.
Instead of telling me that things are going to get better and to think of all the kids whose lives I have touched (which has been making me want to attack and kill the people who say it), she told me my intense sadness was totally justified in lieu of everything I have lost since April. She also agreed that it was nearly impossible to get disability...that the deny deny deny, hoping you will give up and go away.
She was horrified at the way that bitch from the TRA treated me also.
I ended up making another appointment for two weeks down the road. I figured since she was kind enough to offer, I would be gracious enough to accept.
From there I went to ROC. I talked to Jay for nearly two hours, and I cried a lot. I had a whole pocket full of drenched kleenexes when I left. I had made some unwise (but 100% true) comments on facebook that someone had told him about. Basically, what I said was that life was so unfair and cruel that I didn't feel it was worth it. This was not a suicide threat...it was just simply what I was feeling at the time.
He asked about it and I told him that I honestly felt that I would be better off dead, which pissed him off. But it is true. I didn't say I WANTED to be dead. I just said that I felt I would be better off dead. At least I wouldn't be in such a hopeless situation. I told him how I felt trapped and hopeless. The whole situation with TRA is a massive Catch 22 clusterfuck. They are definitely NOT on my side. They definitely do NOT give a shit what happens to me. The whole attitude I got from that bitch on the phone was "Sucks to be you! Ha ha ha!" I enumerated my losses for him--my job, my home, my furniture, including my antiques and family herilooms, my independence, my income, my purpose for living...and more...
I feel like I am already dead.
My corpse is just still wandering around uncertain of how to BE dead.
I told him I felt doomed and that I felt I would not get insurance coverage from the school--and without insurance I WOULD die, whether I wanted to or not.
He listened and we talked...he yelled at me about saying I felt I would be better off dead. He said that was bullshit...well, not really. He told me people were worried about me and that he was worried about me...and I said, "I am worried about me too--worried about how I am going to survive!"
He told me I should "give in" and try for the disability--that I should not listen to other people saying it would take two years...that I should find out for myself. He said being on disability sounded "pretty good" to him and how he didn't understand how adamantly opposed I was to the idea. I said that I didn't want to be nothing. He said that I was the last person in the world who would be "nothing."
We talked about all kinds of things related to my situation. I was blunt and honest about the situation I find myself in. He said he would help me. He said he would talk to someone in the social services that would be able to tell him and then he would tell me what sorts of programs and support things were available to me.
He was kind and supportive. He said that we needed to talk more often...and that I needed to call him when I got into those fits of despair. I told him how all alone I feel in this--and how cheated I feel.
While I was in his office, I got a text from Jessica Cohran who asked when I would be in Rochester. I texted her back and said I was in Jay's office at that very moment--so she said we should do lunch.
At some point Jay opened the office door and a mob of excited kids came in squealing and obviously overjoyed to see me. I got lots of hugs and it was good. I talked to the kids for about an hour, They asked me how things were going and I said I was sad and that I missed them. I cried a little and they cried a little too. One of them suggested I "kill the new teacher and take my job back." I said that really wouldn't be fair as it was not HER fault that I didn't have my job.
I met her, by the way. She poked her head in. She is a tiny skinny little thing who looks like she is about 15. I thought she was a new kid when I first saw her. She looked so young, I am sure they are paying her diddly...in comparison to what they had to pay me. I felt more sorry for her than resentful of her because all the kids were bashing her to me. Because I am THAT WAY, I told them to be nice to her and that it isn't her fault she isn't me. And that every teacher has different ways of teaching and they couldn't expect her to teach like I did.
The kids had to go back to class, and when Jessica came, we went to the Olde Country Buffet. My knees hurt too much to run back and forth, so I didn't get my money's worth. I was shocked that the lunch prices were so high--nearly $10....pennies away from it, in fact. So, I had a plate of a really good pasta salad that I am going to try to copy. It had penne, snow pea pods, celery, and either chicken or turkey cut up in it, and the dressing had dill in it. I think I could make a similar salad if I got a carton of dill veggie dip and put all that stuff together. It was so delicious, I could have eaten every morsel that was in the serving dish. I also had a big thick slice of French bread. When I had eaten that, I went back and got a seafood patty (which was okay but nothing to write home about) and a nice roasted chicken thigh. That was it.
On the way back to school, Jessica wanted to stop at Dairy Queen. So she had a strawberry shake and I had a banana malt. She told me her mom had seen the facebook conversation before I deleted it. She said her mom had told her that she needed to call me up and go spend some time with me today...I thought that was so sweet that her mom cared like that.
When I got back to school, I visited with Nora, Kim, and Ray. Nora is such a wonderful person. She and I had a really wonderful chat. The first thing Nora said to me when she saw me was, "You've lost weight!" I wore my "Bad Kitty" homeroom T-shirt today--and it had been really quite tight this spring when I wore it to ROC Jam, but today when I put it on, it was loose. I noticed it, but didn't think too much of it until Nora said something. Then I thought, well, YEAH! I have lost weight--mainly because Mom and I do not eat much. I need to get over the feeling of not being entitled to use the kitchen and to start cooking. I don't mind losing weight--in fact I am very glad to lose a little! Or a lot!! But I do need to eat a little better than I have been.
I talked to Jay a while again before I left--and he wants me to come in often to touch base with the kids. "They need to see you," he said, "And you need to see them." I believe this is true because I felt so much better emotionally speaking after I had seen and talked to and laughed with and hugged my kids. It was as if I got energized through them. It was so cruel to take us away from each other. Jay and I hugged good-bye and he told me again that he loved me. And I think he sincerely does love me...and I love him...but I still think it was cruel to do this to me, especially when I was so close to being able to retire with full benefits.
All day long I was sooo thirsty. So I stopped in Byron at the DQ and got a large iced tea with extra ice. I slurped that sucker down all the way home. I called DeAnn who was on her way back from having lunch with her mom and aunt. We had talked about getting together but I was like completely emotionally FRIED, and she had also had a busy day. So we talked about the possibility of doing something on Saturday. The only issue is that now I have very little money...I had thirty bucks when I left home this morning...but somehow I ended up paying for Jessica's shake. Not sure how that happened. So, our two shakes were $7 something. The orange juice I bought on the way to Rochester was $1.50. Old Country Buffet was nearly $10. The iced tea was a couple of bucks.
Then, when I was almost to Dodge Center I called my mom who has been sick as a dog with a terrible cold for the last few days and asked her if she wanted me to bring home supper. She said, "If you want to." I asked her what she was hungry for and she said anything. I suggested Taco Johns, and she approved. So, I got her a super beef burrito and myself just a regular beef burrito with black olives and sour cream. I got a medium potato ole as well. That cost over $8. So, fundamentally, my money is gone. Since I borrowed $20 from Mom this morning, I would feel really guilty about borrowing from her again already tomorrow. I will have around $500 coming in from unemployment soon...but still.
If DeAnn and I do something tomorrow, I will have to empty out my piggy banks and pay for it in change. Fortunately, I do have that movie pass from Jack and Kari for taking care of their kitties. So if we go to a movie, I can get in free. I have been really really hungry for that orange chicken at Applebys. I had actually planned to go there and have that while mom was up at Tammy's, but I just never got around to it.
I've been hungry for Famous Dave's ribs too, but it's so expensive there. Cuz if I eat there, I MUST have their delicious bread pudding!!!!
When I got home, mom and I ate our burritoes in the living room as we watched the news about how they are having a mandatory evacuation of Long Island. Scary. My feet were hurting from wearing shoes all day, so after we ate, I went downstairs to take off my shoes and see my kitties. I was really tired, so I lay on the bed and dosed a bit. Then I farted around on the computer a while, trying to get through the 5,000 emails I am behind on. Then I was so tired that I went to bed. Stewie crawled under the covers and snuggled with me for a very long time while I rubbed his head and his toe pads. Then I woke up to pee and figured I better write up my daily entry before the memories went fuzzy on me.
It was good to get out of the house and among people again. I do often feel trapped here. I am used to just getting in the car and going whenever I feel like it. Here, I feel like I can't. I don't know why I feel this way...I just do.
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