Sadness

I woke up a few minutes ago (to pee).  I was sleeping soundly and wasn't thinking of anything in particular as I staggered into the bathroom.  For some unknown reason, as I washed my hands, I had a sort of "flashback" memory--a couple of them, actually.

I remembered my dad grinning at me after he had the temporary crowns put on his front teeth.  They were so stupid looking--too big for his mouth.  They made him look like a demented rabbit.

That triggered another memory--of him in the kitchen.  He was eating something, and suddenly he got a look on his face that was a combination of annoyance, frustration, and a visible hopelessness.  Then he spit out the crown that had just dropped off his tooth.  It was the permanent crown--his dipshit dentist hadn't put it in there right.

For some reason those memories made me feel a wave of sadness.  My dad was a mean bastard to me throughout my childhood--but he'd been kicked in the face by his own parents throughout his entire life (metaphorically and physically).  He always got the shit end of the stick--I remember once my grandmother gave him a pair of flannel pajamas that my grandfather had been wearing for over two years...she ironed them before she wrapped them to make them "look new." 

I feel bad that my dad never got to resolve some of this shit so that he could actually appreciate and love his own kids.  I think he did love us in his twisted way--but that didn't prevent him from hurting us again and again.

I sincerely hope things are better for him in the afterlife.

His "earth life" sucked. 

Rest in peace, dad.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to understand why you were the way you were earlier and I'm sorry I hated you for years and years.  I'm glad I told you I loved you before you died.

Writer's Block: Confidential

[Error: unknown template qotd]I try not to do or say anything that would embarrass me on any public boards.  I try to choose carefully the people who I do discuss things of a "more sensitive nature" with.  Even then, I try to speak in such a way that if iwhat I wanted kept private ever DID get broadcast, I would at least have shown myself as committed to my own "moral compass,"  so to speak.

Disgression is a good thing.

Proverbs 8

http://www.carm.org/kjv/Prov/Prov_8.htm


1 Doth not wisdom cry? and understanding put forth her voice?

2 She standeth in the top of high places, by the way in the places of the paths.

3 She crieth at the gates, at the entry of the city, at the coming in at the doors.

4 Unto you, O men, I call; and my voice is to the sons of man.

Wisdom/Understanding cries out to mankind.  She can be heard everywhere, if people are listening.  (I think this means that wisdom is not really HARD to find.  Wisdom can be obtained almost anywhere.    What she says is, "Hey, mankind!  I'm talking to you!  I am here FOR you."


5 O ye simple, understand wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart.

6 Hear; for I will speak of excellent things; and the opening of my lips shall be right things.

Whether you are simple or a fool, you can understand wisdom.  All you have to do is open your heart to understanding.  Wisdom promises to speak of really good things--of RIGHT things. 


7 For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips.

8 All the words of my mouth are in righteousness; there is nothing froward or perverse in them.

Wisdom says, from my lips you will ONLY hear truth.  Wickedness is an abomination to her.  An abomination is something that is loathed.  It's something that wisdom is disgusted by.  She will not touch it or let it come near to her. 

She says that all the words of her mouth are righteous--that is, morally right.  There is nothing froward (deliberately contrary) nor perverse (determined to go counter to what is expected or right) in her words.

9 They are all plain to him that understandeth, and right to them that find knowledge.

10 Receive my instruction, and not silver; and knowledge rather than choice gold.

11 For wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it.

If a person has understanding, the words of wisdom will be "plain" (easiy understandable or comprehended), and those who have found knowledge will see that they are "right"  (correct/worthy).

It is better to be taught wisdom that to gain silver or gold.  Wisdom is better than gems or money.  Nothing else that you could possibly find is equal to the value of wisdom and knowledge.


12 I wisdom dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge of witty inventions.

Wisdom lives with "prudence"--which means caution, practicality, and providence.  Wisdom seeks out knowledge about clever things.  If it is worth knowing, Wisdom learns it.

13 The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.

If you respect the Lord, you will hate evil and pride and arrogance.   Evil= immorality, bad conduct, and harmful behavior.  Pride=a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether it is cherished in the mind or displayed in bearing.  (dictionary.com).  Arrogance=offensive display of superiority or self-importance.  Over bearing pride.

The Wise hates evil ways and the "froward mouth"--the deliberately choosing to do something contrary to what is right to do.


14 Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength.

Wisdom can provide good, strong advice. 


15 By me kings reign, and princes decree justice.

16 By me princes rule, and nobles, even all the judges of the earth.

Without wisdom, Kings could not rule.  Princes could not administer justice without understanding and knowledge.  With wisdom, princes, nobels, and judges make the world a better place.


17 I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.

Wisdom loves those who love her--and she will reward them, especially those who look for her early--before they look for anything else.  Those who diligently seek wisdom are going to find it.


18 Riches and honour are with me; yea, durable riches and righteousness.

19 My fruit is better than gold, yea, than fine gold; and my revenue than choice silver.

Wisdom will bring you honor (high respect, integrity, distinction) and "riches" that last and righteousness (characterized by moral rightness).  The fruit of wisdom is BETTER than gold or silver.

20 I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment:

21 That I may cause those that love me to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures.

Wisdom will take you in the morally upright direction.  You will walk in the midst of paths of judgment--I am assuming that you will be following the paths of good judgement. 

Wisdom will pay off for those that love her.  They will get "substance" as well as knowledge.  "Substance" is something solid and material.  Give wisdom your heart and she will take care of your physical needs as well.  Wisdom will fill our "treasuries"--she will give us what we need to survive and thrive.


22 The LORD possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old.

Wisdom says that she has been owned by God since the beginning of time--before anything else even existed.


23 I was set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth was.

Wisdom was here, dwelling with God before the beginning of the beginning.

24 When there were no depths, I was brought forth; when there were no fountains abounding with water.

25 Before the mountains were settled, before the hills was I brought forth:

26 While as yet he had not made the earth, nor the fields, nor the highest part of the dust of the world.

Before the oceans were made, wisdom existed.  Before the mountains and hills were created, Wisdom was here.  Before the earth or the fields or anything on the earth was made, Wisdom was present with God.

27 When he prepared the heavens, I was there: when he set a compass upon the face of the depth

28  When he established the clouds above: when he strengthened the fountains of the deep:

29 When he gave to the sea his decree, that the waters should not pass his commandment: when he appointed the foundations of the earth:

Wisdom was here before God made the sky--before he put the magnetic compass on the earth.  Wisdom was here before God made clouds and made the springs that filled the oceans.  Wisdom was here before God determined how high the oceans would rise.

30 Then I was by him, as one brought up with him: and I was daily his delight, rejoicing always before him;

31 Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth; and my delights were with the sons of men.

Wisdom was with God through it all--and God was delighted with Wisdom, and Wisdom rejoiced with God every day.  Wisdom celebrated the creation of the part of the world that supportd life, and also was delighted by mankind.


32 Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways.

33 Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not.

Wisdom says, "Listen to me.  Pay attention.  If you follow my instructions, you will be blessed.  Be wise and apply the teachings I give you--don't scorn them.

34 Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.

35 For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the LORD.

If you listen to me, and watch for me every day and wait to learn from me, you will be blessed.  When you find wisdom, you find life.  God will smile on you when he sees that you are pursuing wisdom.

36 But he that sinneth against me wrongeth his own soul: all they that hate me love death.

 However, if you reject and insult wisdom, you are really rejecting and insulting your own soul.  If you do not love wisdom, you DO love Death--because life without wisdom IS death.