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And another week begins tomorrow.
Feb. 16th, 2020 08:43 pmFriday, February 14
One of my former students posted something really funny on Facebook. She wrote, "I am so sick of all you whiners posting that it's Valentine's Day and you don't have a Valentine. No one cares. You didn't see me complaining on Groundhog's Day when I didn't have a single groundhog!"
I had to laugh.
She was a little shit when she was my student, but she has turned into a remarkable young woman. I guess being mom to three kids has settled her down a bit. LOL.
I spent most of my day finishing the book I am reading: The Last Tribe. It's a post apocalyptic novel in which 99.9% of the population has died of a plague called "The Rapture." The four Dixon brothers and their children are immune, and miraculously, so does the wife of one of the brothers. The other three brothers' wives all die of the plague as do the one brother's three daughters who were actually his step children rather than his biological children. They all live in different states, so the book jumps from family to family, describing their lives as they attempt to survive and keep their children alive (if they have any). They have plans to meet in their childhood home which is near the place that one of the children, a 14 year old boy, is away at baseball camp. I like these kinds of books for some reason. If I survive the Corona virus and 99.9% of the rest of the population dies, I know just how to survive now. Ha.
I ate very poorly on Valentine's day. I had a protein bar (peanut butter) and a granola bar (oats and honey) for breakfast and buttered popcorn for a very late lunch. In the evening, I made some tuna salad--albacore mixed with chopped onion, chopped pickles, and mayonnaise. I should have added some chopped up celery as well, but I didn't feel like it. And I had thawed out a container of frozen chicken and wild rice soup from Schwann's. I ate half of the soup and tuna salad on toast. I gave some of the unadulterated tuna and the juice from it to Stewie. He drank all the juice but didn't eat much of the tuna.
While the soup was cooking, I did my dishes and tidied up the kitchen a bit. I hadn't done the dishes for a couple of days, so I was glad to get them done.
Stewie has eaten and drunk some but not enough. I keep praying daily that he will eat and drink more and fatten up. He is gaining some weight but not enough. I feel bad shoving pills down his throat, but I want him to live. I just want him to live.
It was insanely cold today. The wind was wild, and I guess the roads were drifting and pretty nasty. It didn't affect me at all as I didn't have to go anywhere. However, my niece had her one-act play performance tonight and Mom went with my brother and his wife. I guess the kids did a fantastic job.
Saturday, February 15
I woke up this morning thinking that I have to record the dream I had last night. I don't know what trains are supposed to symbolize in a dream, but there were THREE trains in my dream. It was a completely illogical dream because there are no passenger trains that I have access to in real life. But in the dream, I was in Albert Lea with my mother, my friend Godiva, and a couple other people. We had been shopping in Albert Lea, but we must have stayed overnight in a hotel there because I had my small overnight bag and one of my larger zip bags that I usually bring with me to carry whatever projects I have going on when I go away for a day or an overnight. We were at a train station that looked a lot like a rest area. There was a bank of huge windows next to the platform by the train tracks. There were double glass doors, and it was cold outside. I could feel the cold through all that glass.
The train station attendant asked if someone could open the door for the arriving passengers when they got off the south bound train. I was standing right next to the doors, so I did. My "luggage" was just inside the door, and I kept an eye on it so no one made off with it. The people I was with trooped out to get on the northbound train which would take us back to Ellendale. Before she left, my mother gave me a toy train that she said was my dad's. This does not exist in reality--there is a train that was his, but it is huge and there's no way it could be transported away from home by one person. Each of the three cars of the real train is about twenty or more inches long and five or six inches wide.
The train my mother gave me also consisted of three cars, but there were only about 8" long and 3" wide. It was definitely a vintage/antique toy train, but it was in perfect condition. It looked like it just came out of the box. It had a large metal "key" that could be used to wind up the train so it would go on its own--shooting sparks out of the bottom like a real train on the tracks. I dreamt I shoved one of the cars in my overnight bag, one in the zip bag which then could not be zipped up as it was too full, and one I had to hold because it wouldn't fit anywhere else. I was struggling with my luggage and my purse and the train car which I dropped. If fell down by the tracks, and I looked at it in despair because I didn't know if I dared to go by the tracks to pick it up. I was afraid the south bound train would start going and run over me if I climbed down to get it. I also was afraid of missing the northbound train as everyone else had already boarded while I was holding the door for all the new arrivals. Also, I couldn't find my walker. It seemed to have vanished.
And that was the end of the dream. I was standing there, looking at the toy train car, knowing I could not leave it behind, afraid I'd get run over by the one train or miss the other. Trains. Why?
Any dream interpretations spring to anyone's minds out there?
Today, the temperature was up 50 degrees from yesterday. The high today was 32. My car was nearly out of gas, so I decided it was a good day to fill it up, since I have to go to the Owatonna Clinic on Friday to see the cardiologist and meet with the pharmacist about the results of my DNA test to determine what meds will work best for me as sedation and possibly antidepressants. I am pretty determined to refuse antidepressants as they do not change the situation that is depressing--they only fuck with your brain and make you feel like you are not connected with reality. At least, that is my experience.
I called my mother to see if she had been to the post office. I thought my brother might have taken her yesterday when he took her to the play, but he hadn't. So, I took her to the post office to get her mail. I stopped and got my own mail before I picked her up. Then I drove out to Casey's and filled my tank. It was hard as it was very icy by the gas pumps, but I was careful and did not fall.
Impulsively, I decided I wanted Chinese food desperately, so I asked Mom if she wanted to go to the Asian Kitchen for take out. She hadn't brought any money, but I had some cash, so we went to Owatonna and got two orders of Shrimp Egg Fu Yung and an order of steamed dumplings. They make an especially delicious Egg Fu Yung. We went through the Starbuck's drive through to get hot chocolate to drink on the way home. They make delicious hot chocolate. I hate coffee, so I never get that there. The barrista was the tiniest little thing I have ever seen. She was bubbly and goofy and had pink hair. When I admired her hair, she urged me to color mine as well.
While I was waiting for the hot chocolate, I texted my brother and asked if he would come to my house and drag my garbage bin back up to my house, drag the recycling bin out to the curb, and put my Culligan water jug on the water dispenser for me. I can't move the bins with the walker--it is just impossible. And the water jug is too heavy for me to lift up on the dispenser. Jack came and did it all for me. I would have liked to ask him to put the new light bulbs in the bathroom for me too, but he was in a hurry to get home as he had to take Cora to school for tonight's play performance at 4:30 pm. The play doesn't start till 7:30 pm, but those are the breaks.
Stewie ate and drank again today. Still not enough to fatten him up enough to please me.
I went through my mail, wrote out three bills that came in it today, and recycled most of it. My medical records that I have been hounding them for for three months FINALLY arrived. I read through them twice--about 70 pages of stuff. I am shocked by how poorly they were written. And I am furious that the records do prove that those assholes have lied to me repeatedly. When that psychiatrist called me, he said that I was delirious and irrational when I came out of the sedation. He also said that they had a very hard time bringing me out of it. There is not a single word in my medical records about me being delirious. Not one. Nor is there anything about any difficulty rousing me from the sedation. I would think both of those things would have been mentioned in the medical notes. I will probably go over that stuff in more detail in my DW later. Don't have time to go through it all now. The one thing that really pisses me off is that I specifically asked for the names of the drugs they used to sedate me as I NEVER want them used on me again. All it said was "general anesthetic." It could be that I missed them as it was like 70 pages long. But I didn't see anything specifically about anesthetic.
I am convinced that they did something wrong, something that put me in extreme distress--and now they are hiding it from me so that I don't sue them. Fuckers.
Sunday, February 16
I woke up this morning with Stewie sleeping at the base of my back. He was stealing my warm, I think. I had to pee really bad, but I didn't want to move and disturb him. He hasn't been sleeping with me much lately. I think he is afraid if he comes too near me, I will grab him and shove another pill down his throat. He does forgive me and sit with me when I am in the recliner frequently, but I miss sleeping with him curled up in my arms.
Today, I filled my pill caddy and ordered refills of two prescriptions first thing. I got Stewie's pill down his throat. It took two attempts. I held him and told him what a good boy he was for about ten minutes before he left me.
I didn't accomplish much today--other than doing laundry. I finally put the bathroom rugs back on the floor in the bathroom. I had to wash them a few days ago because the cats had puked on them again. I need to buy another set of bathroom rugs when I can afford them so I can just switch them off when they get puked on. The last load is in the dryer now. I am not going to fold it or put any of it away till tomorrow.
I filled up the cat fountain with fresh water today, and Stewie drank like water was going out of style.
While my leftover shrimp egg fu yung was heating in he microwave, I unloaded the dish drainer and washed the dirty dishes. My leftovers were delicious. I spent most of the day watching the episodes of This Is Us that I had recorded. I was very behind on them.
My sister Tammy called me this morning. She is home from Arizona. She had a wonderful time and wished she could have stayed longer.
That's about it for my day. I wasn't very ambitious. Tomorrow, I hope to use Orange Glow to polish my dressers and bedside table in the bedroom. I will have to vacuum the area rug and sweep and scrub the wood floors in there too. And put away the clean laundry. If I can get that much done tomorrow, I will be satisfied.
Even though I didn't do much today, I am really looking forward to going to bed tonight. I am tired.
One of my former students posted something really funny on Facebook. She wrote, "I am so sick of all you whiners posting that it's Valentine's Day and you don't have a Valentine. No one cares. You didn't see me complaining on Groundhog's Day when I didn't have a single groundhog!"
I had to laugh.
She was a little shit when she was my student, but she has turned into a remarkable young woman. I guess being mom to three kids has settled her down a bit. LOL.
I spent most of my day finishing the book I am reading: The Last Tribe. It's a post apocalyptic novel in which 99.9% of the population has died of a plague called "The Rapture." The four Dixon brothers and their children are immune, and miraculously, so does the wife of one of the brothers. The other three brothers' wives all die of the plague as do the one brother's three daughters who were actually his step children rather than his biological children. They all live in different states, so the book jumps from family to family, describing their lives as they attempt to survive and keep their children alive (if they have any). They have plans to meet in their childhood home which is near the place that one of the children, a 14 year old boy, is away at baseball camp. I like these kinds of books for some reason. If I survive the Corona virus and 99.9% of the rest of the population dies, I know just how to survive now. Ha.
I ate very poorly on Valentine's day. I had a protein bar (peanut butter) and a granola bar (oats and honey) for breakfast and buttered popcorn for a very late lunch. In the evening, I made some tuna salad--albacore mixed with chopped onion, chopped pickles, and mayonnaise. I should have added some chopped up celery as well, but I didn't feel like it. And I had thawed out a container of frozen chicken and wild rice soup from Schwann's. I ate half of the soup and tuna salad on toast. I gave some of the unadulterated tuna and the juice from it to Stewie. He drank all the juice but didn't eat much of the tuna.
While the soup was cooking, I did my dishes and tidied up the kitchen a bit. I hadn't done the dishes for a couple of days, so I was glad to get them done.
Stewie has eaten and drunk some but not enough. I keep praying daily that he will eat and drink more and fatten up. He is gaining some weight but not enough. I feel bad shoving pills down his throat, but I want him to live. I just want him to live.
It was insanely cold today. The wind was wild, and I guess the roads were drifting and pretty nasty. It didn't affect me at all as I didn't have to go anywhere. However, my niece had her one-act play performance tonight and Mom went with my brother and his wife. I guess the kids did a fantastic job.
Saturday, February 15
I woke up this morning thinking that I have to record the dream I had last night. I don't know what trains are supposed to symbolize in a dream, but there were THREE trains in my dream. It was a completely illogical dream because there are no passenger trains that I have access to in real life. But in the dream, I was in Albert Lea with my mother, my friend Godiva, and a couple other people. We had been shopping in Albert Lea, but we must have stayed overnight in a hotel there because I had my small overnight bag and one of my larger zip bags that I usually bring with me to carry whatever projects I have going on when I go away for a day or an overnight. We were at a train station that looked a lot like a rest area. There was a bank of huge windows next to the platform by the train tracks. There were double glass doors, and it was cold outside. I could feel the cold through all that glass.
The train station attendant asked if someone could open the door for the arriving passengers when they got off the south bound train. I was standing right next to the doors, so I did. My "luggage" was just inside the door, and I kept an eye on it so no one made off with it. The people I was with trooped out to get on the northbound train which would take us back to Ellendale. Before she left, my mother gave me a toy train that she said was my dad's. This does not exist in reality--there is a train that was his, but it is huge and there's no way it could be transported away from home by one person. Each of the three cars of the real train is about twenty or more inches long and five or six inches wide.
The train my mother gave me also consisted of three cars, but there were only about 8" long and 3" wide. It was definitely a vintage/antique toy train, but it was in perfect condition. It looked like it just came out of the box. It had a large metal "key" that could be used to wind up the train so it would go on its own--shooting sparks out of the bottom like a real train on the tracks. I dreamt I shoved one of the cars in my overnight bag, one in the zip bag which then could not be zipped up as it was too full, and one I had to hold because it wouldn't fit anywhere else. I was struggling with my luggage and my purse and the train car which I dropped. If fell down by the tracks, and I looked at it in despair because I didn't know if I dared to go by the tracks to pick it up. I was afraid the south bound train would start going and run over me if I climbed down to get it. I also was afraid of missing the northbound train as everyone else had already boarded while I was holding the door for all the new arrivals. Also, I couldn't find my walker. It seemed to have vanished.
And that was the end of the dream. I was standing there, looking at the toy train car, knowing I could not leave it behind, afraid I'd get run over by the one train or miss the other. Trains. Why?
Any dream interpretations spring to anyone's minds out there?
Today, the temperature was up 50 degrees from yesterday. The high today was 32. My car was nearly out of gas, so I decided it was a good day to fill it up, since I have to go to the Owatonna Clinic on Friday to see the cardiologist and meet with the pharmacist about the results of my DNA test to determine what meds will work best for me as sedation and possibly antidepressants. I am pretty determined to refuse antidepressants as they do not change the situation that is depressing--they only fuck with your brain and make you feel like you are not connected with reality. At least, that is my experience.
I called my mother to see if she had been to the post office. I thought my brother might have taken her yesterday when he took her to the play, but he hadn't. So, I took her to the post office to get her mail. I stopped and got my own mail before I picked her up. Then I drove out to Casey's and filled my tank. It was hard as it was very icy by the gas pumps, but I was careful and did not fall.
Impulsively, I decided I wanted Chinese food desperately, so I asked Mom if she wanted to go to the Asian Kitchen for take out. She hadn't brought any money, but I had some cash, so we went to Owatonna and got two orders of Shrimp Egg Fu Yung and an order of steamed dumplings. They make an especially delicious Egg Fu Yung. We went through the Starbuck's drive through to get hot chocolate to drink on the way home. They make delicious hot chocolate. I hate coffee, so I never get that there. The barrista was the tiniest little thing I have ever seen. She was bubbly and goofy and had pink hair. When I admired her hair, she urged me to color mine as well.
While I was waiting for the hot chocolate, I texted my brother and asked if he would come to my house and drag my garbage bin back up to my house, drag the recycling bin out to the curb, and put my Culligan water jug on the water dispenser for me. I can't move the bins with the walker--it is just impossible. And the water jug is too heavy for me to lift up on the dispenser. Jack came and did it all for me. I would have liked to ask him to put the new light bulbs in the bathroom for me too, but he was in a hurry to get home as he had to take Cora to school for tonight's play performance at 4:30 pm. The play doesn't start till 7:30 pm, but those are the breaks.
Stewie ate and drank again today. Still not enough to fatten him up enough to please me.
I went through my mail, wrote out three bills that came in it today, and recycled most of it. My medical records that I have been hounding them for for three months FINALLY arrived. I read through them twice--about 70 pages of stuff. I am shocked by how poorly they were written. And I am furious that the records do prove that those assholes have lied to me repeatedly. When that psychiatrist called me, he said that I was delirious and irrational when I came out of the sedation. He also said that they had a very hard time bringing me out of it. There is not a single word in my medical records about me being delirious. Not one. Nor is there anything about any difficulty rousing me from the sedation. I would think both of those things would have been mentioned in the medical notes. I will probably go over that stuff in more detail in my DW later. Don't have time to go through it all now. The one thing that really pisses me off is that I specifically asked for the names of the drugs they used to sedate me as I NEVER want them used on me again. All it said was "general anesthetic." It could be that I missed them as it was like 70 pages long. But I didn't see anything specifically about anesthetic.
I am convinced that they did something wrong, something that put me in extreme distress--and now they are hiding it from me so that I don't sue them. Fuckers.
Sunday, February 16
I woke up this morning with Stewie sleeping at the base of my back. He was stealing my warm, I think. I had to pee really bad, but I didn't want to move and disturb him. He hasn't been sleeping with me much lately. I think he is afraid if he comes too near me, I will grab him and shove another pill down his throat. He does forgive me and sit with me when I am in the recliner frequently, but I miss sleeping with him curled up in my arms.
Today, I filled my pill caddy and ordered refills of two prescriptions first thing. I got Stewie's pill down his throat. It took two attempts. I held him and told him what a good boy he was for about ten minutes before he left me.
I didn't accomplish much today--other than doing laundry. I finally put the bathroom rugs back on the floor in the bathroom. I had to wash them a few days ago because the cats had puked on them again. I need to buy another set of bathroom rugs when I can afford them so I can just switch them off when they get puked on. The last load is in the dryer now. I am not going to fold it or put any of it away till tomorrow.
I filled up the cat fountain with fresh water today, and Stewie drank like water was going out of style.
While my leftover shrimp egg fu yung was heating in he microwave, I unloaded the dish drainer and washed the dirty dishes. My leftovers were delicious. I spent most of the day watching the episodes of This Is Us that I had recorded. I was very behind on them.
My sister Tammy called me this morning. She is home from Arizona. She had a wonderful time and wished she could have stayed longer.
That's about it for my day. I wasn't very ambitious. Tomorrow, I hope to use Orange Glow to polish my dressers and bedside table in the bedroom. I will have to vacuum the area rug and sweep and scrub the wood floors in there too. And put away the clean laundry. If I can get that much done tomorrow, I will be satisfied.
Even though I didn't do much today, I am really looking forward to going to bed tonight. I am tired.
