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She had decided to come home with Grandma, and she brought me down my left over Mexican food for my lunch. I took my pills and ate it cold. It wasn't too bad cold, but it would have been better if I had warmed it up. My knee still hurt abysmally....so I decided I would take one of the codeine pain pills that the doctor had prescribed for me months ago. I filled the prescription, but I was always leery of taking them. So, I took the first one this morning.
I turned on Facebook to make some moves on my Scrabble games, and I discovered a post by a former student, Tanner H., that said, "RIP Rachel. Not again." It turns out that Rachel B, one of my favorite kids who graduated 3-4 years ago had hung herself. Not a month ago, one of my other beloved student's BROTHER hanged himself. This devastated poor Taya...and his death left three small children fatherless.
Anyhow, I called Susan to see if she knew anything about this. She didn't even know it happened. So, we talked about this for a little while, and then she began nagging and lecturing me about going on disability. I told her I am NOT going to do it. She said, "But that's your best financial option!" And I responded, "It may be my best financial option, but I am too young and too talented to become NOTHING." When you are on disability, you are not allowed to work part time, volunteer, or even TUTOR! That's what the chick from TRA told me. I also told her that money did not mean much to me, but having a PURPOSE in life DID mean everything to me. She told me she was investigating retiring on disability because of the heart problems she has been having, and I told her that if that worked for her, that was great--but that she had to understand that she has a husband, children, grandchildren, a beautiful victorian home she's been remodeling, enough money to travel, and a getaway second home on a river. She has lots of things to fill her mind and heart. I have no husband, no children, no grandchildren, no home, no money, etc. SCHOOL was the only thing I had. And it was my purpose for existing. I do not know how these people who have known me for so fucking long cannot understand that I need a REASON to live. I need to continue to be productive and do what I do best--work with kids.
I also told her that both Dr. W (my doctor who is also her doctor) and my therapist both said that the worst thing I could do was retire on disability--"You need to work with kids," said my doctor, "You have far too much to give to just give up." I flat out told Susan, "I WILL NOT DO IT."
Then she lectured me about how I would not find a job since all job descriptions have physical requirements that I will not be able to meet with my lack of mobility. I said, "There are teachers teaching from wheel chairs. There is no reason I cannot teach...the only problem is that I cannot stand while doing it."
She was just getting so negative with me, like the only hope of life I have is to go on disability. I think that is just plain bullshit. Plus, she denies that it will take two years to get on it. And she defended the asshole chick at TRA who laughed at me and treated me so disrespectfully. "Well, you have to understand that there are so many scammers...." Fuck that. That's like saying a teacher is justified in treating kids like shit because some kids just don't care about learning. I figure that, as a professional, it is my responsibility to treat EVERY kid like they are good people. Especially when I have just met them.
It was very frustrating. She kept saying, "I'm worried about you." Well, worry about my MENTAL health for a change. My physical health can be dealt with with modifications. Once I have had a complete mental breakdown for lack of purpose in my life, I may not be fixable.
Anyhow--it was a very poor start to the day.
Cora wanted me to come upstairs and bake sugar cookies with her, so I did. My nephew Erik had asked for sugar cookies yesterday, and so I thought we could make them and give some to him. We used my late Aunt Darla's sugar cookie recipe which was very simple and easy to make--and the resulting cookies were very good. Cora chattered the whole time we were making them, and I taught her the proper way to crack an egg. LOL. By the fourth egg, she had it down.
She is the fussiest little creature--she doesn't like much, but she loved those sugar cookies! I betcha she ate at least seven of them. As we worked, she kept saying, "I just LOVE baking, Aunt Cheryl."
We used one of my vintage blue bowls...they make the best cookies ever.
The only unfortunate thing is that we sent a ton of them home with her, a plateful home with Lily and Jerry, and kept a little over a dozen for ourselves....and.....WE FORGOT TO SET SOME ASIDE FOR ERIK! So, it looks like I may be making sugar cookies again tomorrow. Sigh.
It actually went pretty fast and was enjoyable. The only issues are my inability to stand and walk. I pulled a chair over to the sink and sat on it while I did the dishes, that was the only way I could have done it.
Jerry and Lily came over to eat pizza for supper--we had to use up the pizzas that Mom had bought for Tammy's cancelled visit. Sigh. I never actually believe Tammy is coming until I see the whites of her eyes.
Shortly after Lily and Jerry arrived, Jack and Caleb came to pick up Cora. Then Jack, Jerry, and Caleb put my microwave cabinet back together again. It's in the porch. Jack hung around to visit and eat some sugar cookies. :) When he pizza came out of the oven, he and the kids went home. They go back to school tomorrow. Poor things. LOL.
I am not a big fan of pizza with meat on it. I prefer the vegetarian pizzas. This one had sausage, pepperoni, and some other kind of meat on it. It also had black olives, mushrooms, and green peppers on it. It had enough non-meat on it that I liked it. There were TONS of black olives on it, and I love black olives.
Lily and Jerry visited till about 8 pm, then they went home with a plateful of sugar cookies. Mom and I went to the basement and watched Antique Roadshow. I always find it interesting to see what people have and what it is worth. I don't have anything that is worth a ton of money. How nice it would be to find an original Ansel Adams photograph or a painting by Van Gogh, just laying around somewhere in the house. Or for $5 at a garage sale. PFFT. I never find anything of value.
I cut out a couple more outfits for the Chryssie doll. One was a silky black witch's costume. Another was a July 4th themed capris outfit. I wanted to cut out something using the St Pat's fabric, but I couldn't decide what I wanted.
When that was over, PBS had an interesting documentary about the Lincoln Highway that runs from New York to California. It was interesting, but my cats were wailing in my room and rattling the door, so I knew they were lonely for me. I hadn't been with them since early in the afternoon, so they wanted their momma.
My knee was feeling a little better, so I decided I would pop another pain pill before I got into bed. That way, by tomorrow, it should be so much better. When I bend it now, it barely hurts. Last night, if I even twitched, if felt like someone was trying to pry my kneecap off with a tire iron.
I chatted on facebook with several of my former students who needed to touch base after what happened to Rachel. That made me want to reach out to all my kids, so I posted this:
Twenty-two kids have "liked" it, and a bunch more have posted comments. Kids need to know that they are loved.
I also posted THIS on facebook, as my cousin had put this on her status. I love my cousin, but this shit just pisses me off. I KNOW she just passed it on because she thought it was funny--but it really isn't funny--especially after what happened to Congresswoman Giffords.
There is a bumper sticker making the rounds...it says "Pray for Obama. Psalms 109.8." Some of them say 109.8-13. This is what that says in the Bible:
8 May his days be few;
may another take his place of leadership.
9 May his children be fatherless
and his wife a widow.
10 May his children be wandering beggars;
may they be driven† from their ruined homes.
11 May a creditor seize all he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
12 May no one extend kindness to him
or take pity on his fatherless children.
13 May his descendants be cut off,
their names blotted out from the next generation.
Now, the people who put this on their cars portray themselves as Christians...but let's look at what this says:
(1) It suggests people pray to God for an early death on the President of the United States.
(2) It suggests that people pray that Obama's children be orphaned and his wife a widow.
(3) It suggests that just being orphans is not enough--people should pray that his children become homeless and that they have to rely on begging to survive...also that their home is destroyed.
(4) It suggests that people ask God to send thieves to steal everything of value that the man owns and has worked for.
(5) It suggests that people ask God to make it so NO ONE is ever kind to him again...and not only him, but his innocent orphaned children as well.
(6) It suggests that people pray that every member of his family be extinguished so that there are no more of them, ever.
And this is Christian? People who put that shit on their cars should be ashamed of themselves. Or at least, they should stop calling themselves Christians. I don't think this is what Christ would suggest we do.
Quite frankly, I don't give a shit what people think of Obama's politics. He's been a bit of a disappontment to me too....but to wish death on a man, poverty and homelessness on his children, and the complete termination of all of his descendents....that is so far past wrong that I don't even know what to call it. Evil springs to mind.
I hated George Bush Jr. with a passion and I have no respect for his drunken spawn. But I would not wish this on him and his family...and certainly would not hope that people PRAYED to ALMIGHTY GOD that these things happen to him. I might WISH an incredibly itchy crotch rash come to him....but I would NOT PRAY for it.
I realize that people probably think this is humorous and that is why they pass it on...but seriously, people. This is what is wrong with our country today--people don't just disagree with their opponents...they wish them DEAD and ERADICATED from the planet! We will never prosper as a nation or as people so long as this is our thought process.
Okay..I am stepping off my soap box now.
And that about wraps up this day here at the old Lair of Despair.
