A Serious Update
Dec. 10th, 2006 04:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chochiyo_samaJust a bit o’ updating.
Last week sucked. But there were occasional highlights.
On Friday, I cancelled my appointment with my counselor—she is fairly useless to me anyhow. She’s a nice person—but she just doesn’t seem to have the ability to ask the right questions or something—anyhow—I had a ticket to see Raphael box (Raph is a former student who is now a professional boxer). So, I decided I would just stay at school until it was time to go to the match. I brought my big box o’ bills along with me and paid them all except one which wasn’t due until the 8th of December anyhow. Of course, it WON’T be paid until *I* am paid again on Friday—but, oh, well. Not a lot I can do about that, is there?
I did throw up a couple of times during the bill paying extravaganza, but on the whole it was a less horrific experience than I expected it to be.
The boxing match also was less brutal than I expected it to be. For which I was truly thankful, I might add.
Raphael was the main attraction, so he boxed at the very end. He boxed only for one minute and thirty-five seconds before he knocked out his opponent. You could tell by watching Raph that he was the best boxer in the building that night. You could see him watching for his opportunities—then BAM. It was almost like a dance when Raph boxed. The rest of them were seriously not that great.
There was a bunch of drunks (harmless but loud) who sat at the table behind us. One of them screamed continuously at the top of his lungs. He about made me deaf. “YOU GOTTA WANT IT!” he’d scream. Then, “JAB! JAB! JAB!!!” And, “THE TIME IS NOW!!!”
I think that’s when my depression actually started—I kept thinking that if Dad was still alive his butt would be at that table with us. And he would have been having a high old time rooting for Raphael, and would have HAD to have had his picture taken with him. And he would have bragged about him and followed his career continuously from that point on.
Even though my dad could be a mean, rotten, cruel son of a bitch, he could also be fun and funny—and I loved him when he wasn’t beating the shit out of me or verbally tormenting me.
Anyhow—
I was up until 3 am, once I got home it took a while for me to settle myself down and go to sleep. I talked to a couple of friends on IM—Chrissie and DK.
On Saturday, I was kidnapped by Ingrid for most of the day. She called me at the crack of dawn and said, “If I am up, you should be up too.” Apparently she had been up til midnight—and was only slightly apologetic when she learned I’d been up since 3, and had had only about four hours of sleep. I resented being awakened at the crack of dawn, but we went to
I bought some stuff for my secret santa, including a cool polar bear that “poops” out jelly beans. It was pretty amusing, and it was only $2.99. I’m giving some serious thought to going back out there when I get paid and getting enough to give one to each of my nieces and nephews—well, probably not Kaylee. She wouldn’t care about it one way or the other.
I also bought a couple of angels for my mother for our Christmas Eve. It’s just she and I on Christmas Eve. So, we usually exchange something small. Just to commemorate the occasion. Someday, it will just be me alone on Christmas Eve…but I hope that won’t be for a long time yet.
We ate lunch at Perkins then stopped for groceries in Kasson. After the groceries, we went over to Daniels and split a piece of chocolate cake because Ingrid had a craving for chocolate cake.
By the time I got home it was nearly 6 pm and I was too exhausted to do anything else.
On Sunday, she called me and wanted me to come over for supper, but I turned her down. I was trying to get my laundry and stuff done. Also, depression was sweeping over me like a tsunami. I just wanted to be left alone. I told her I had stuff to do and that I wasn’t going to answer my phone at all.
Some asshole called my house every 15-30 minutes all freaking day long. And didn’t leave a message. Finally I was so pissed that I left a message that said, “Hello. I have issues of my own. If you have issues you want me to help you resolve, please leave a message and I will get back to you when I can. If you do not hear from me in 2-3 days, I probably CANNOT help you. If you are not willing to leave a message, perhaps you just should not call me any more.”
And I used a very bitchy voice when I recorded this too.
Heh heh.
Anyhow—I recorded a new message today. Something a little less hostile.
Anyhow, I felt like shit on Sunday night—I even threw up a few times—it might have been a flu or something—but I suspect it was anxiety and depression. I seem to puke a lot when I am highly anxious these days.
There were other factors, as well, regarding a friend who was blithely making some really horrible choices in her life—choices that could easily END her life—and that just gave me the extra little shove it took to send me spiraling down and down and down.
So, on Monday morning, I called Susan (My carpool) and told her I didn’t feel well—which was true—and that I felt like I better drive myself, just in case I couldn’t make it through the day. Well, I puked at school at least once—but I stuck it out until the seniors gave their presentation speeches in fourth hour—then I headed home. My idiot light came on right at the Byron gas station, so I pulled in and filled up. It was colder than a witch’s mammary gland in January—but, I got the tank filled. When I got home, I put on my long flannel night gown, crawled into bed, and collapsed. I slept until about 5:30 in the afternoon.
I got up and made some tomato soup, which tasted like shit—so I dumped it out and made some chicken noodle soup, which ALSO tasted like shit. I forced myself to eat it anyway, since I figured I needed something inside me to keep my blood sugar stable. Well, I puked it all up in a couple hours anyhow.
I decided I would call in sick on Tuesday—and just try to sleep it out and feel better. I still don’t know if it was truly illness or if it was just depression and anxiety. Other than a very very small amount of sewing, I didn’t do anything at all on Monday or Tuesday at home. I didn’t even watch a movie or anything.
On Wednesday, I still felt like crap, but I just didn’t feel like I could miss any more school—so I went in. It’s only a half day with kids on Wednesdays, and then we have our faculty meetings. I didn’t have my work all corrected because of the sickness or whatever the hell it was, so I wasn’t sure what was going on. I had brought all my papers home, but I didn’t even LOOK at them. Sigh. But, I worked very hard while I was there on Monday and Wednesday—and on Wednesday after the meeting, I finished my correcting, made reports, and stuck them in the teacher’s boxes. Friday was midquarter for second quarter already—I found that really hard to believe! But there you have it!!
Ingrid came and picked me up, and we went to see the movie The Fountain, which was incredibly bizarre—but very visually stunning. And Hugh Jackman was visually stunning as well. *drool*
After the movie we went to the Chinese buffet in Kasson. I hadn’t really eaten much since Friday, and I was hungry-but the greasy food didn’t really sit well with me.
After we ate we went through the Durst farm which is all decorated up with lights every year. I put pictures in my livejournal last year or the year before. Don’t remember. I didn’t have my camera with this time. Maybe I will go back and take more pictures eventually.
Thursday, the kids were kind of rowdy and irritating—or maybe it was just that I still wasn’t feeling 100%. I had to serve at breakfast, snack, and lunch. I hate that, but it doesn’t seem as bad this year. Maybe it is because Mary isn’t there. I had no idea how much of my energy she was devouring until she was gone. Yet, I miss her and still care about her.
On Friday we took the kids over to studio academy where we saw a play they put on.
The rest of the day went well. I was the very last person out of the building on Friday night. I drove over to Michaels (a craft store) and just wandered through, looking at stuff. The joliee scrapbooking brand has these miniature tee shirts that are for scrap books, but apparently they fit the Barbie Kelly dolls beautifully. I have not found any of them in Hobby Lobby or Michaels, unfortunately. L
I did find some really nifty letter jacket looking things for scrapbooking that fit vintage skipper as if they are made for her. They are made of felt and very thin vinyl and look JUST like real letter jackets.
I bought two Christmas ornaments that are like white ballet dresses, but they don’t fit the barbies like I thought they would—they don’t stretch enough for me to get them over their hips. However, vintage skipper fits into them very well. The only problem is that they look too “old” for such a young girl to be wearing them.
At any rate, I bought two of them.
I also bought three sets of buttons that look like metal cookie cutters in Barbie scale and some soft pink fringe that I think will look cute on the sleeves and pant cuffs of pajamas for the little kid dolls. I bought some little wooden milk bottles to paint up for the next session of
Yesterday, I slept in. I didn’t eat or take any of my meds till after 2 pm. Then DeAnn called and wanted me to drive to Zumbrota with her and drop off a couple of her dragon sculptures. She had a coupon for buy one, get one free at the dairy queen. So, I went with. While she was messing around inside the art center, I removed all the hair from two little Kelly dolls. After she came out, we went to the DQ then on to the movie theater where we watched
Hee hee.
After the movie, DeAnn and I went to get a gourmet veggie pizza at Papa Murphies and then picked up a big roast beef sandwich from Subway for Jim who does not like Papa Murphies’ Pizza. Madness, I say. Madness.
On the way home, DeAnn and I went to the Durst farm and looked at the lights again. We sang Christmas songs from there to their house. It was very fun, and I actually felt happy for a while.
I ate supper with them at the farm and then just sat around and sewed and watched TV for a while.
Today, Sunday, I was up and out of the house early. I left my house at about 8:45 and drove the north way to Owatonna where I went to Walmart and bought another rolling storage container with drawers for the fabric that seems to accumulate all over my bed. Then I ran over to HyVee and bought a very few groceries—just enough to get through the week—some bread, some milk, some hamburger and French cut green beans, and a very small beef roast. I got some yummy looking pears and some celery as well.
When I got home, I threw the roast in the crock pot with some potatoes, carrots, and onions, and then made a big pan of tator tot hot dish. It was yummy. I had some for lunch and I have five generous bowls in the refrigerator to heat up for either lunch or supper this coming weak. As soon as the roast and stuff is done, I’ll throw that into individual serving containers as well.
Mom called me a little while ago and told me that Darla (my aunt—the only nice one, my mom’s little sister) appears to be about to die. Apparently Rudy helped her to the bathroom yesterday, and once she was on the toilet she just went completely limp. He laid her on the floor and called Jerry (mom’s brother) and they managed to carry her downstairs and put her in bed. Now, she doesn’t eat, drink, or speak. She looks at them when they speak to her, but she doesn’t respond. It’s been ten months since she was diagnosed with cancer. They said she’d have up to five years. I thought she’d last a lot longer than this.
Sad, very sad. She’s a good person and she doesn’t deserve to go out like this.
In addition to cooking, I cleaned out the refrigerator, did a lot of dishes, sacked up the garbage, and washed laundry. I have also vacuumed the dining room and moved the table back where it belongs. I want to do the living room too, before I call it a day. I’m tired right now, and I sure could use a nap. I wanted to catch up my journal before I couldn’t remember any more what has been happening. I have some pictures I’ll want to post up later, but for now, I guess this is it.
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Date: 2006-12-10 11:28 pm (UTC)tons of hugs for you!
~duchess
that's a lot to digest.
Date: 2006-12-11 03:59 am (UTC)I'm on the lookout for a little indoor reindeer that lights up. My mother wants one to stand inside a wreath on the table. She wants some big ones for outdoors too but saw some at the drug store. I think she's waiting for the after Christmas sales.
Get a new therapist. That puking *is* stress and depression related. I know. I've been there. I lost 25 lbs throwing up every morning before I went to school when I was assigned to SPCA. It didn't stop until I left that school I used to hide in the bathroom in the auditorium because I knew they couldn't find me there.
I'd send you chocolate but I know you shouldn't eat it. So here's some virtual chocolate.
I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt. I think I'm going to lose my Uncle soon. He has emphesyma and every time he gets a cold he's in danger of it becoming pneumonia. My Mom talked to him two days ago in his 80th birthday and he'd just come from the hospital where he had to get shots.
Only a few days left before winter break. I hope you take it easy and things pick up.
(Do you think it was the stalker calling every 15 min and she got your message?)
Re: that's a lot to digest.
Date: 2006-12-11 03:38 pm (UTC)Of course, now she is calling me six times a day to see if I am depressed....which depresses the hell out of me. LOL.
She also asks me EVERY FREAKING TIME if I am sure I won't do anything to hurt myself.
And I keep telling her that if I were suicidal, I'd already be dead five to ten years ago, when I worked at Triton, that shit hole of the universe. May it explode soon, with Brett Joyce IN IT when it does.
(But everyone else out of it. I have nothing against the kids or the other staff--most of them any how. He's the only one I hate enough to wish exploded.)