From My NEW therapy assignment.
Mar. 11th, 2007 11:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chochiyo_samaAsserting Yourself
Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of acting in any situation where you need to
- Express your feelings
- As for what you want
- Say no to something you don’t want.
Being assertive involves self-awareness and knowing what you want. Behind this knowledge is the belief that you have the right to ask for what you want.
When you are assertive, you are aware of your basic rights as a human being. You give your self the same respect and dignity you’d give anyone else. Being assertive is a way of developing self-respect and self-worth.
Having grown up feeling the need to be perfect to please your parents, you’ve remained a “people pleaser.” You often end up doing many things you don’t really want to do. This creates resentment that results in tension and sometimes open conflict in your relationships. Learning to be assertive will allow you to begin to express your true feelings and needs more easily. You will get more of what you want as well as increased respect from others when you begin to assert yourself.
Assertiveness is a way of acting that strikes a balance between two extremes: aggressiveness and submissiveness.
Nonassertive or submissive behavior involves yielding to someone else’s preferences while discounting your own rights and needs. Submissive behavior also involves feeling guilty or as if you are imposing when you do attempt to ask for what you want.
If you give others the message that you’re not sure you have the right to express your needs, they will tend to discount them. Anxiety prone people are often submissive because they are overly invested in being “nice” or “pleasing” to everybody. They may be afraid that the open expression of their needs will alienate someone on whom they feel dependent.
Aggressive behavior, on the other hand, may involve communicating in a demanding, abrasive, or hostile way with others. Aggressive people are typically insensitive to others’ rights and feelings and will attempt to obtain what they want through coercion or intimidation. Aggressiveness succeeds by sheer force, creating enemies and conflict along the way. It often puts others on the defensive, leading them to withdraw or fight back rather than cooperate.
An alternative to aggressive behavior is passive-aggressiveness. Instead of openly confronting an issue, you express angry, aggressive feelings in a covert fashion through passive resistance. Passive-aggressive people seldom get what they want because they never get it across. Their behavior tends to leave other people angry, confused, and resentful.
Another nonassertive behavior style is being manipulative. Manipulative people attempt to get what they want by making others feel sorry for or guilty toward them. Instead of taking responsibility for meeting their own needs, they play the role of victim or martyr in an effort to get others to take care of them. When this doesn’t work, they may become openly angry or feign indifference. Manipulation only works as long as the manipulated person does not recognize what is happening. They may be confused or “crazy” up to this point, then become angry and resentful toward the manipulator when they figure out what has been happening.
Assertive behavior involves asking for what you want (or saying no) in a simple, direct manner that does not negate, attack, or manipulate anyone else. You communicate your feelings and needs honestly and directly while maintaining respect and consideration for others. You stand up for yourself and your rights without apologizing or feeling guilty. Assertiveness involves taking responsibility for getting your own needs met in a way that preserves the dignity of other people. Others feel comfortable when you are assertive because they know where you stand. They respect you for your honesty and your forthrightness.
What’s Your Style?
How would you typically respond to the following situations?
1. You’re being kept on the phone by a salesperson who is trying to sell you something you don’t want.
I usually, just say I’m not interested—though sometimes I do whine a little and say that I can’t afford it.
2. You would like to break off a relationship that is no longer working for you.
Not sure—what usually happens is that if a relationship has become so bad that I can’t deal with it any more, I just disappear from that person’s life. I avoid them. Or, if I run into them, I am polite but distant and do not speak to them unless I am forced to. I will respond if they ask me a question, but I will not elaborate.
3. You’re sitting in a movie and the people behind you are talking.
Hmmm….in this case, I’d ignore it if it wasn’t too loud. If it was annoyingly loud, I’d probably get up and move.
4. Your doctor keeps you waiting for more than 20 minutes.
I love my doctor—if she keeps me waiting, it is unavoidable. That’s why I bring “toys” to amuse myself in case I have to wait.
5. Your teenager has the stereo too loud.
I don’t have any kids. However, when the kids at school have their personal music devices on, I ask them to turn them down because they are distracting. I generally do not yell. Sometimes I use humor or hyperbole. Like, “GOOD LORD, I’m going deaf here.” But I try to do it in a respectful manner. If they are rude or refuse, then I get a little sterner. But usually not aggressive.
6. Your neighbor next door has the stereo too loud.
I ignore it. If it was so loud that I couldn’t stand it, I’d call the police. (I never have done this.)
7. You would like to return something to the store and get a refund.
I rarely do this, but I have if something I bought is defective. I just take it to customer service and tell them the problem and give them the sales slip.
8. You’re standing in line and someone moves in front of you.
Eh. Not worth fighting about. Besides, they might be crazy and have a gun.
9. Your friend has owed you money for a long time--money you could use.
I would most likely hint about how poor I am. Generally speaking, I forget that people have borrowed money from me in the first place.
10. You receive a bill that seems unusually high for the service you received.
I would call and ask about it. I would be polite about it.
11. Your home repair person is demanding payment but has done unsatisfactory work.
Depends on how unsatisfactory it is. If it is minor, I pay. If it is major, I don’t pay until it is fixed.
12. You receive food at a restaurant that is over or undercooked.
Again, it depends on the degree. If it is only slightly wrong, I eat it any way. If it is extreme, I send it back. But in a nice way--not in a mean way. It isn’t the waitress’s fault.
14. You would like to ask a major favor of your friend.
I usually tell them my dilemma, whatever it is, and then see if they offer.
15. Your friend asks you a favor which you don’t feel like doing.
It depends on the friend, the favor, and the amount of time, money, or effort it will take. If it is a friend I truly cherish--and the favor is fairly important to them, I do it. If it is a so-so friend, and the favor is extremely time consuming or difficult, I tell them I am too busy with school or whatever. Generally, if I can help someone, I do.
16. Your son/daughter/spouse/roommate is not doing their fair share of the work around the house.
I bitch about them to everyone I know. Ha ha ha. To them, I hint and when that doesn’t work, I pick up their shit and throw it on their bed. Or I leave everything till it is a complete disaster and wait for them to get the hint.
17. You would like to ask a question, but are concerned that someone else might think it’s silly.
I ask questions if they are important to me. If there are people in there who intimidate me, I quietly ask someone near me instead of the leader of the group. If I feel comfortable in the group, I’ll ask anything.\
18. You’re in a group and would like to speak up, but you don’t know how your opinion will be received.
I give it anyway. I am probably the smartest person in the room. No, seriously, I do generally give my opinion regardless. If people don’t like it, too bad. I do always (almost) give my opinion in a polite way.
19. You would like to strike up a conversation at a gathering, but you don’t know anyone.
This is generally not a problem with me. I will talk to anyone. If the people are intimidating to me, I generally smile at people and radiate pleasant vibes…if that doesn’t work, I gather up my shit and leave. Or else, I pull out whatever “amusement” I’ve brought with me--book or sewing or crocheting--and work on that. Often, that stimulates conversation--and if it doesn’t, I am amused and happy anyhow.
20. You’re sitting/standing next to someone smoking, and the smoke is beginning to bother you.
I move to a smoke free location. I might gag and cough dramatically for a while and make a comment about second hand smoke giving me lung cancer as we speak.
21. You find your partner/spouse’s behavior unacceptable.
Don’t have one.
22. You find your friend’s behavior unacceptable.
Depends a lot on what it is--most of my friends’ unacceptable behavior revolves around being rude to the other people around us or being controlling and/or nagging towards me. If it is rudeness to others--especially restaurant people--I clam up, look at the table or my plate, don’t meet the friend’s eyes, and smile apologetically to the waiter/waitress, and later leave them a $5.00 tip. If they are being controlling or nagging towards me, I just shut up and look away till they get the hint and stop. And I don’t do anything with them for a long time after that event.
23. Your friend drops by unexpectedly, just before you were about to leave to run some errands.
Depends on the friend--if it is someone I really like and am happy to see, the errands can wait. If the errands are important or have a time limit, I will tell the friend I have to go OR, if it is a friend I WANT to spend time with, I invite him/her to go with and have lunch with me as well.
24. You’re talking to someone about something important, but they don’t seem to be listening.
Happens to me all the time. I just quit talking and wait for them to notice. If they don’t want to listen, well, it’s pointless to try to talk to them. Usually I try to refocus their attention a couple of times before giving up.
25. Your friend stands you up for a lunch meeting.
I worry that he/she is okay. I call. If they just spaced it out, I understand. I have done it myself. I might tease them about it a little bit. But I wouldn’t be mad. I might be a little annoyed while waiting. If it became a major habit and they were always standing me up, I’d be “busy” every time they wanted to have lunch with me from then on.
26. You return an item you don’t want to the department store and req2uest a refund. The clerk diverts your request and offers to exchange
the item for another.
Um…doesn’t work. I smile politely and say, “No, thanks.” If they are truly insisting on it and not stopping, I use my “teacher voice” and say, “I am quite certain that I do not want this or another one like it. Thank you. I am late for an appointment. What do I need to sign to complete the refund process? Actually--I seldom return anything. I don’t buy it if I don’t want/need it in the first place.
27. You’re speaking and someone interrupts you.
Depends. Sometimes I just stop talking and wait for them to finish. Sometimes I clear my throat and give them “the look.” Sometimes I hold one finger up and raise my eyebrows and give them “the look.” Usually, I just stop talking and wait. If it is a kid at school, I say, “Excuse me. I was speaking.”
28. Your phone rings but you don’t feel like getting it.
Usually, I get it anyway. Now that I have caller id, I DO screen occasionally--if it is someone whom I find annoying, I don’t answer. But I usually feel obligated to answer the phone.
29. Your partner or spouse “talks down” to you as if you were a child.
Don’t have one.
30. You receive an unjust criticism from someone.
I will always argue my point. Sometimes I will say, “That’s not fair…” and go on to say why. Or I’ll say, “I hear what you are saying, but….” and go on to argue my point. Or, if I am in a pissy mood, I will say, “That’s your opinion.” Or if I am in a really really pissy mood, I will say, “Whatever.”
13. You would like to ask a major favor of your partner or spouse.
Don’t have one.
TA continues, eh?
Date: 2007-03-12 04:25 am (UTC)Re: TA continues, eh?
Date: 2007-03-12 04:02 pm (UTC)She never gave me any kind of questions or "push" to help me articulate my needs or express my feelings, much less give me massive homework assignments.
I can tell this is working since it is painful as hell.
arg.
:)
Re: TA continues, eh?
Date: 2007-03-14 01:09 am (UTC)You've had a broken bone that had never healed properly.
It really hurts to rebreak it and set it. And the healing process hurts a lot.
But when you're done the pain will be gone and the bone stronger.
How's that for alliteration?
Re: TA continues, eh?
Date: 2007-03-18 11:21 pm (UTC)Yes, I believe that. It's just really hard right now. I'm sort of wondering if I should have waited until summer to start this process--but I'm not stopping now.