My baby is still with me...

Komet made it through the night--I seriously did not expect her to. 

She is breathing really hard, but doesn't seem to be in pain.  She wants to lie down soooo bad, but when she does, she gets right up again.  I am sure that she can't breathe while she is lying down.  I think she is exhausted. 

I am torn between calling the vet emergency number and having her put to sleep so her suffering is ended and keeping her here with me and letting her die in her own home with me...

It is so hard, though.  I cannot leave her here by herself on Monday if she isn't gone yet.  And it is the first day of the new semester and all my kids need  their schedules given to them, and all the new classes begin.

I have given myself till 9 am to call the vet today, since I don't want to wake her up on a Sunday if she can sleep in.  She was so good with me yesterday.  So understanding and kind.

The other consideration is how upset the ride in the car is going to make her.  I hate to cause her more suffering when she is already miserable and probably afraid.

Though she isn't acting afraid.

Riding in the car might just upset her to the point where she dies en route.

Sigh.

This is the dark side of kitty love.

I'm going to need sub cutaneous fluids myself as all i've done is cry since I found out it was her heart and knew for sure that nothing can help her.

I take comfort in the fact that she was a rescue cat and I gave her nine very loving years that she might not have had without me.  I just wish I had held her more.  (I did hold her a lot, but I wish I had held her more)

Komet is at peace.

My friend Ingrid's husband Jim picked me and Komet up and drove us to the Carriage House animal hospital in kasson.  Ingrid insisted that he take me--insisted that I just wasn't up to doing this by myself.  I must admit, it helped me remain calm in the car.  He is such a sweet man--very quiet and not too demonstrative, but he has a very very loving heart.

Komet did not cry and scream in the car like she did yesterday.  She cried a little, but seriously, I think she was so near to death anyway that she just didn't have the strength.

She was breathing with so much difficulty--her whole body was heaving with every breath.  I could not stand the thought of her being here by herself on Monday, in the event that she hung on till then.  And she had suffered enough.

The vet's last name was Bailey, and he was the kindest and sweetest man.  He was very understanding with me, and very gentle with Komet.  I held her in my arms when he gave her the first shot, which was just a sedative to make her sleep.  He said that he would administer the second shot once she was under.  She fought that sedative hard.  She didn't struggle, but she stayed awake for a long time after he gave it to her.  I held her and told her what a good, good girl she was, and how much i loved her, and how she would feel better soon.  I petted her and gave her the back scritches that she loves so much....I would have given her a final tummy rub if she had been in the proper position for one.  I told her how much I loved her pretty white tummy and her adorable white paws, and her sweet little pink nose with the little glob of black on it like she got a glob of mud on it.

The vet gave us privacy for this.  When he came in to check on her, she was like hiccuping.   She gave one big convulsion and then sort of toppled over on her side.   I told him that I thought the sedative alone was probably going to be enough to do her in.  He got out his stethoscope and listened to her heart.  He said that her heart wasn't beating.  We just waited there for a while, and he checked her heart and lungs a few times, and there was nothing.   So he never had to give her the second injection.

She went very peacefully, in my arms.  i cried a lot, but I wasn't hysterical.  I didn't sob.  I wanted to be strong for her.  I didn't want her to be any more scared or upset than she already was.

My poor little girl.

When I got home I just sat and cried for a while...then I started my laundry so I have clothes to wear tomorrow to school.  And I got the dishes soaking in the sink.

I am trying to keep my mind and body busy. 

I miss her.  I miss her little noises around the house. 

I miss her sweet green eyes and the little mr-r-r-r-r-b? noise she makes when she wants me to come upstairs and snuggle.  This is going to be a tough week.

And I have four new preps at school.  Yay.