Well, I survived it.

[chochiyo_sama]

It was the most awful funeral I have ever been to.

My uncle greeted people at the door.  We have not been on the best of terms for quite some time due to some really unkind (and untrue) things that his wife did and said to and about me, but when I looked into his face, I saw such misery and despair that the last vestiges of any bad feelings I had for him left me completely.  I hugged him, and he hugged me back, really hard, and sobbed in my arms.  All I could think to say was, "This is horrible" and "I don't know what to say."

He just kept saying, "He was my boy, my boy."

Of course, I bawled like a baby.

My sister was behind me, and he hugged her too, saying, "You tell your boys every day how much you love them."

Then at the top of the stairs, standing next to the coffin, was my aunt.  She's the one who really hurt my feelings bad.  REAL bad.  She too had such misery and sorrow on her face that I felt the darkness in my heart for her lift and leave me completely.  She said, "I'm so glad you came."

I held my arms out to her, and she stepped into my embrace and sobbed against my neck as I cried too and stroked her back and the back of her head.  She kept saying, "I just can't believe it's true.  I just can't believe it isn't a dream.  My Lee boy.  My Lee boy."

My heart was wrenched from my chest--or that's what it felt like anyway.

Patty, his wife, didn't want the coffin open.  So there was a really nice picture of Lee on top of the beautiful solid oak coffin.  It's kind of yucky to think of a coffin being beautiful, but it was a beautifully made piece of wood--smooth and shiny and gorgeous.  SAD to think of what its purpose was.

We went into the church and sat for about an hour while the rest of the people paid their last respects and gave their sympathies to the parents and Rhonda, his sister, who was also standing by the coffin.  Patty and the girls were not out there.  They must have been in another room in the church somewhere. 

I don't blame them for not wanting to be "on display" like that.  I wouldn't have wanted to be like  that either, if I were in their place.

When the funeral itself finally started, I felt the urge to sob wildly when they wheeled the coffin down the aisle, but I bit the inside of my lip hard enough to suppress the urge.  Patty and the girls walked in, and they all looked just awful.  "Grief Stricken" truly applied to them.  Poor Patty was white as a sheet, except for the black circles under her eyes and the swollen redness of her eyes.  Her five girls were huddled around her like they couldn't move at all unless they clung to each other.  Once again, the urge to howl was almost overwhelming. 

The pastor did a nice job.  He didn't say a bunch of crap about how lee's purpose on earth was fulfilled--obviously it wasn't.  Not with four young daughters still at home.  He said, "The question on all our minds is Why.  Why did this happen?"  and then he added, "I don't know why it happened."  I much prefer that to the smarmy "we just have to accept God's will" thing. 

I don't believe that God kills us. 

The cemetary was very hot.  The ceremony at the grave site was very brief.  I talked to Patty there--She was holding up very well, but she had such a lost look in her eyes.  She looked shell shocked.  I gave her a deposit slip (my phone number and address are on it) and told her to call me for ANYTHING.  She and the girls didn't go back to the church for the luncheon.  They went back to the house.  I would have done the same in their situation.  In fact, I did.  I had my brother-in-law drop me off at mom's and I sat in the recliner and watched Clean Sweep and thought about the brevity of existence and whether or not life has any meaning.

I have come to the conclusion that the only reasonable meaning of life is Love.  We are here to love as many people as intensely and completely as we can.  Love is the only light that can stave off the darkness of despair.

I love you, my friends.

Be well.  Be safe. 

 

Comments

[beccak1961.livejournal.com]

My deepest sympathies to you and your family and Lee's.

Thanks.

[chochiyo-sama.livejournal.com]

I think this may have been the worse day of my life.

worse than when my dad died.

Worse than when i found out I had cancer and had to have a hysterectomy.

Ack.

It's easier to be in pain yourself than to watch others be in such misery.

Re: Thanks.

[beccak1961.livejournal.com]

I would rather take pain than see Jim or the sons hurt, so I understand a little bit what you mean. I read back, he was so young.

He was a wonderful man, too.

[chochiyo-sama.livejournal.com]

And four young daughters...sigh.

One step daughter already grown up.

:(

So True ...

[(Anonymous)]

Love is the only light that can stave off the darkness of despair.

I love you, my friends. Be well.  Be safe.
********************************************************************

Much love right back to you, Cho.


Laurie


 

(((Laurie))))

[chochiyo-sama.livejournal.com]

Thanks, my friend.

Hugs and support (Creator)

[(Anonymous)]

Hugs and support - and prayers for the family