May 22 through 24

[chochiyo_sama]

Sunday, May 22

I had an excellent night’s sleep last night.  I suspect because I had two heavy afghans on my bed in addition to my regular bedding.  It has been cold and damp here lately, and during previous nights, I have been cold all night which has led me to having to get up many times in the night to pee.  If I am cold, I have to pee constantly.  It leads to unsatisfactory rest.

I had a good Zoom with DeAnn this morning followed by a good chat with Kari about Jack’s slow recovery from the Covid crap.  He was cleared for the Covid pill which, we hope, will lead to his rapid recovery.  Mainly, he is suffering from weakness, exhaustion, and a terrible cough.  So far, Caleb just has cold/flu like symptoms.  Kari and Cora remain negative, so that is a good thing.

I put away two baskets of clean clothes this morning and dealt with little bits of clutter.  The house is looking so much better after Hope’s last visit and my picking away at various little projects between her visits.

At a little after 4 pm, I joined the “ladies’ Zoom” with our West Concord connection friends.  It was good to catch up with everyone.  I wish we could chat more often like that, but everyone has such busy lives that it just doesn’t work out for us.

 

Monday, May 23

The physical therapist was coming around 11:30, so I washed the dishes and tidied up the living room.  It was lucky I did as she showed up earlier than expected.  It did not take her as long as she thought it would to drive down.  She is a different one from the first one who came.  She was nice, and the kitty boys just loved her.  They thought she smelled great and spent the entire time she was here sniffing her.

Today, I finished shelving the rest of the cookbooks.  Happily, they all fit perfectly in the shelving.  I also cleaned the breezeway litterboxes and swept up the scattered litter that the cats had kicked out of their boxes.  I cannot believe how much excrement comes out of their bodies.  It was a horrific struggle, but I was ultimately able to pry open a new box of clean litter and add more to the boxes. 

It was warmer today than it has been.  It felt good.  It has been so dang cold out lately. 

I spoke to my mother yesterday and she seemed much more rational than she did on Friday.  On Friday, she was straight out of loony tunes.  She seemed pleasant and positive yesterday.  No mention of the spawn or about anyone “attacking” her or of her desire to die and “go home to Jesus.”

 

Tuesday, May 24

Today sucked.  I had set my alarm for 5:10 as I needed to take a shower and get ready to go to my MRI appointment in Albert Lea.  I was awakened by my neighbor revving his giant truck’s engine before my alarm went off.  I was annoyed as I had not gone to bed as early as I had hoped and now the next door asshole was waking me up before the alarm! 

I checked my phone to see how much sleep time I had left—only  to discover that it was 5:20 and my alarm should have gone off ten minutes before!  Turned out that I had set it for 5:10 pm instead of am.  So I owe the neighbor and his obnoxiously loud vehicle my gratitude for waking me up. 

I got my shower taken so I was not offensively stinky for the appointment and got dressed.  Lily came to pick me up at 6:15, and we headed off to the clinic.  I did not eat anything as I didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom while trapped in the MRI machine.

Turns out, I didn’t have to worry about that.   I learned something new about myself today. Apparently I am extremely claustrophobic. I have never experienced this before in my life. Small spaces have never bothered me.

However, today I had an appointment for an MRI at 6:40 am on my shoulder, which has been giving me massive amounts of pain for about five years. I have been begging my doctor for an MRI to see what is actually wrong with it for 3 years. She always dragged her feet. Well, she is in another state now meeting her first grandchild, and the nurse practitioner placed the order for me. I was so happy and relieved that FINALLY something was going to be done about this.

So, I reported to the clinic, put on the gown they provided, and got up on the table. They strapped some stuff on me--something around the shoulder, ear phones, a strap across my chest to hold the shoulder thing steady, and told me it would be noisy and that I had to remain perfectly still throughout the entire procedure.

They shoved that little table thing into the tube, and I instantly felt like I could not breathe. The "ceiling" of the tube was about half an inch from my face. The air was stale and felt like there was no oxygen in there. I started feeling like I was going to throw up, and a scream of absolute panic was welling up in my chest as well as the urge to sob hysterically.

One of the technicians asked, "Are you doing okay in there?"

"NO," I said. "I cannot do this. Get me OUT."

They pulled me out at once, and I started bawling like a baby. I have never had anything like this feeling of dread and horror and despair before.

I guess I am just going to live in agony with this shoulder for the rest of my life because I WILL NEVER PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION AGAIN.

I literally felt like I was about to lose complete control and shriek like a banshee and claw my way out of that thing.

This solidifies my intention of being cremated when I die. I could not handle being trapped in a coffin, not even as a corpse.

What a fucking nightmare.

The technicians were very nice to me despite my freak out.  I kept telling them I was sorry between gulping sobs, and they said not to worry about it—that they had someone discover they couldn’t handle it almost every day.  They said they would send a message to my doctor and recommend that she prescribe me “something to relax” me next time I tried it.

I seriously doubt there will be a next time.  Valium makes me puke, so that would not be a viable option.

Lily felt bad for me when I told her, bawling again, what happened.  She wanted to take me to Perkins to get breakfast, but all I wanted to do was go home so I could cry myself out and go to sleep.  Then she started pressuring me to come to her house so she could make me waffles with strawberries.

I told her that I was using every ounce of self-control I had to refrain from hysterical sobbing and vomiting.  She insisted on “driving around a while” so I could calm down.  We ended up driving to Hollandale and around Geneva Lake and ultimately out to the farm she grew up on and I lived on until I was in third grade.  That place was haunted as hell.

It has been a couple of years since I was last there, and I was horrified at how far it has deteriorated since I last saw it.  As far as I could tell, every window was broken out.  A huge section of the front of the house appeared to be collapsing—all the bricks had separated from the wall and were lying on the ground in front of the house.  It also looked like the little entry way area was falling away from the main part of the house.  The whole place looked like teenagers had been playing war games with axes and bats.  I wonder if the current owners are going to tear it down.  I kind of wish I had taken some pictures as this might have been the last time I ever see it.

I would dearly love to get inside the house and look around one last time—mainly just to see if the creepy paranormal things were still roaming around in there.  I wouldn’t want any of them to follow me home, though.  Eek.

I was glad to finally get home.  I was emotionally exhausted.  We stopped at my mailbox to get my mail.  Lily gave me four each of the two kinds of cookies she had made for my cousins’ visit on Sunday.  One kind was peanut butter with chocolate chips and the other was macadamia nuts, white chocolate chips, and crushed peanut brittle.  I liked the second kind the best but both were good.

After she left, I cried a while, fed the cats, and fell asleep in my recliner.  I left the front door open so I could get some fresh air.  When I woke up, I discovered that the FedEx folks had delivered my prescription and another package was also out there on the railing.  The second package turned out to be the adorable fox cookie jar Mary sent me.  At last, the day looked up for a few moments. 

I spent the rest of the day watching random stuff off my DVR, not paying enough attention  to it to know what it was actually about, and deleting it whether I paid attention to it or not.  I also slept through 90% of it. 

Oh—also, I got a message from Hope this morning on the way to the clinic telling me  that she followed my advice to take a Covid test when she told me she couldn’t come to clean today as she felt a sinus infection coming on.  She IS positive for Covid.  So, I doubt she will be coming over to clean this week.  I told her to rest and take care of herself. 

When will this crap end?  Even though we spent several hours together on Friday, I am still ok.  Maybe she wasn’t exposed till the weekend.  I hope she didn’t get it from me—just in case I got it from Jack and am asymptomatic.  I am sure if I did get covid, I’d be deathly ill, so that probably did not happen. 

That’s about it for my shitty day.  I am so disappointed that I will likely never find out what’s really wrong with my shoulder and I will be living with a wrecked shoulder forever.  Shit.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I am so sorry. *hugs you gently*

[the_godiva]

I find weight really helps me sleep. Weight usually also means warmth, which is fine in the winter but not in the summer. I bought some giant "yarn" a couple years ago and was going to "knit" a blanket that would provide me with weight without heat for the summer. Summer is almost here so I should get started on it.

I think you should try the MRI one more time, but not right away. Yes, they should give you something to "relax" you. Mild Sedation. I also think you should consider earplugs and a SLEEP MASK. In the dark you can't see the space and it can be as large as you imagine. Wear the mask and the earplugs, ask the technicians if they can wait a moment or two before they slide you in for you to start to drift into a nap/daydream, then slide you in really slow. I don't recall being strapped in when I've had my MRIs. That may have contributed to the problem. Ask them if it is possible to put a weighted blanket of some kind on you instead of strapping you in. Or simply doing it without the straps. You should also discuss alternatives with the nurse practitioner. Can anything be gained from a sonogram? I'll assume you've had an x-ray. Ask if a CT scan would provide the same diagnostic information as an MRI. I would not give up. Give yourself a week or two or three, then call the nurse practitioner and discuss what options you have because you cannot continue to live with this undiagnosed shoulder problem.

If you don't know that it is, there is always the chance you could make it worse or permanent. Knowing what it is is only a positive. Either you can't do anything or something can be done to improve it. But at least, you know what not to do to make it worse. So don't give up. Find a way or make a way. If not the MRI, then something else. But if it is the MRI, find a way to make that work.