Debt Sucks

[chochiyo_sama]

It is a gloomy October day. Dreary. The air is damp with a fine mist that makes you feel chilly, even when you're wearing a sweater over the top of a turtleneck. There's enough wind that the leaves are getting swept down the street and swirled up in mini tornadoes that spin around you. The air smells of decaying leaves and that spicy fall scent that is both intoxicating and kind of poignant as you know that winter is coming and cannot be stopped. There is a lot of shit going on in my life right now. My mom, who nearly bled to death a month ago from an ulcerated stomach, was diagnosed a week ago with Lymphoma, a cancer of the white blood cells. It has been a difficult time. I am the only unmarried offspring, and my siblings just assume that since I have no husband or children that I also have no life. And my mother seems to want me with her as opposed to them because (contrary to what my basic personality is in my own Real Life) I am very quiet in the old homestead. Pretty much, I sit around and dally with the computer or read. She watches the god-awful Game Show Channel with reruns of shows like "The Match Game" and "The Newlywed Game" which are torture, pure and simple, for me to watch. I spend a week sitting with her in the hospital as the medical personnel gave her every test known to mankind, and finally declared the diagnosis and prognosis. The Prognosis is "Guardedly Optimistic." The Hematologist who gave us the information was a young, dark haired man with the sweetest smile I have seen in some time. It made me forget that I have sworn off all romance as Of The Devil. Not that that pretty young thing would have looked at me twice. Old and scruffy as I looked and felt during that week. Sigh. Anyhow, the gas used running to the hospital and the parking ramp fees of approximately $10.00 per day and the trips through MacDonald's Drive Thru for food because I was too weary and stressed to go home at the end of the day and cook have all added up to put the financial CRUNCH on me. And because my mind and spirit were distracted and downtrodden, I didn't pay any bills with my last two checks. So today, I finally bit the bullet, figured out my check book, and paid my bills. The whole time, I felt like I was going to puke. And I kept mentally abusing myself with phrases like "You are so irresponsible" and "Do you realize how many late fees you have racked up, dumbass?" and "You ought to hire one of those Tie-Me-Up-and-Spank-Me people to beat some sense into you, stupid." And I felt pretty damn shitty (as well as broke) by the time I was done. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. And did I mention that I have not gone to the post office to get my mail for over a week? Well, I haven't. So only God and the Post Mistress know what is in there, waiting for my attention. ARG. But so much for that bummer. I just have to suck up the consequences for my lack of responsibility and move on. Debt indeed sucks. The suckage is so intense that I actually feel the corpuscles being sucked out of my soul. And on that happy note, I believe I will end my first entry in this LIVEJOURNAL. Ah, my life. A whirlwind of joy. Or something like that.