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Feb. 10th, 2009 01:39 pmCloverfield was one of those really really lame-ass movies where you just want to shoot yourself (after shooting all the actors, the director, the scriptwriter, and all the guys who operate the camera) rather than finish watching it.
When it is finally over, you say to yourself, "There's about two hours of my life that were absolutely wasted."
For one thing, the camera work was stupid. they did that "Blair Witch Project" thing of filming it as if some doofus was just holding hte camera and filming things as they happened. Mostly, it is just a very annoying technique.
The next thing is, none of the characters are "nice." I don't feel any connection to any of them. They are all whiny, shallow slackers, and i don't care at all when they die off, one by one, and make no mistake. They all die.
The monsters have more character depth than the people in this movie.
Which brings me to the monsters themselves. There is no explanation of where they come from, why they are so pissed off, or why they chose New York as their point of entry for invasion. Apparently there is just one large monster--as far as I can tell anyhow. It appears to spend most of its time stamping on buildings and soldiers and tanks and stuff. It is never clear to me whether or not the big monster is shooting fireballs out of some orafice in its body or not. Early in the movie it looked like it was, then later, I didn't see any more fire balls appearing to shoot out of it. There are lots of little monsters that appear to spring from the body of the big monster. If the monster is giving birth to them as it stomps around the city, there is something weird about it as the little monsters look nothing like the big monster. Perhaps the monster is crapping them out.
Speaking of the little monsters--i don't understand one thing--they can attack a full grown, battle trained soldier in full regalia with weapons galore, bring him to the ground, and kill him in milliseconds. Yet, they can be beat to death by lame, whiny twenty-somethings with only a metal bar that they conveniently pulled out of a wall. Pah-thet-ICK. Either they are kick ass, man-eating monsters or they are not. They can't be one at one point in the movie and the other in another part. THAT is an insult to every viewer's intelligence.
And what about the army? Would they really recommend the willy-nilly evacuation of all of New York City? I seriously doubt it. The party line for the army would be "Stay in your homes. Do not panic. Everything is under control." I can't believe that the United States Army would have their asses handed to them like that by a bunch of giant spiders and a big fat lizard. Maybe they should have hosed it down with salt water. Maybe it would have shriveled up and died like a salamander.
Once again, I could have saved the world, if only I had been consulted. When will they ever learn?
Everyone who was in any way associated with that pathetic piece of crap movie should be ashamed of him/herself.
I can't really say Cloverfield is the worst movie I have ever seen, but it is definitely in the top ten.
When it is finally over, you say to yourself, "There's about two hours of my life that were absolutely wasted."
For one thing, the camera work was stupid. they did that "Blair Witch Project" thing of filming it as if some doofus was just holding hte camera and filming things as they happened. Mostly, it is just a very annoying technique.
The next thing is, none of the characters are "nice." I don't feel any connection to any of them. They are all whiny, shallow slackers, and i don't care at all when they die off, one by one, and make no mistake. They all die.
The monsters have more character depth than the people in this movie.
Which brings me to the monsters themselves. There is no explanation of where they come from, why they are so pissed off, or why they chose New York as their point of entry for invasion. Apparently there is just one large monster--as far as I can tell anyhow. It appears to spend most of its time stamping on buildings and soldiers and tanks and stuff. It is never clear to me whether or not the big monster is shooting fireballs out of some orafice in its body or not. Early in the movie it looked like it was, then later, I didn't see any more fire balls appearing to shoot out of it. There are lots of little monsters that appear to spring from the body of the big monster. If the monster is giving birth to them as it stomps around the city, there is something weird about it as the little monsters look nothing like the big monster. Perhaps the monster is crapping them out.
Speaking of the little monsters--i don't understand one thing--they can attack a full grown, battle trained soldier in full regalia with weapons galore, bring him to the ground, and kill him in milliseconds. Yet, they can be beat to death by lame, whiny twenty-somethings with only a metal bar that they conveniently pulled out of a wall. Pah-thet-ICK. Either they are kick ass, man-eating monsters or they are not. They can't be one at one point in the movie and the other in another part. THAT is an insult to every viewer's intelligence.
And what about the army? Would they really recommend the willy-nilly evacuation of all of New York City? I seriously doubt it. The party line for the army would be "Stay in your homes. Do not panic. Everything is under control." I can't believe that the United States Army would have their asses handed to them like that by a bunch of giant spiders and a big fat lizard. Maybe they should have hosed it down with salt water. Maybe it would have shriveled up and died like a salamander.
Once again, I could have saved the world, if only I had been consulted. When will they ever learn?
Everyone who was in any way associated with that pathetic piece of crap movie should be ashamed of him/herself.
I can't really say Cloverfield is the worst movie I have ever seen, but it is definitely in the top ten.
