chochiyo_sama

It's actually Sunday morning, quite early--but then, I went to bed last night at 10 pm instead of staying up til 3 am like I did on Friday night.  (Yes, I am an idiot.) 

Before I left for my mom's on Friday afternoon, she called me and told me that Jerry and Lily (my uncle and aunt) had asked her to go to Milwaukee with them.  It seems that Jerry had bought a pickup for Roger (my cousin), and he was going to deliver it.  Lily was going to follow behind him in her car, in order to give him a ride back when he got the truck delivered.  Lily, being a big baby and all, didn't want to spent 7 hours in the car by herself, so they asked my mom to ride with them.

They take advantage of my mom...but, mom has never been to Roger's house, so it's a little adventure for her.

I already had my car packed and everything, so I decided to come home anyway.  Mom went to a church thing on Friday night, so I just sat in the recliner and crocheted on my Fall Swap and watched TV.  When mom got back, we sat up and talked till after 1 am.  Then I stayed up till 3 am because I wanted to finish my granny squares for the swap and also to read through all my email and respond to it all.  Since I joined those barbie groups, I get about 150 emails a day.  Eeek. 

I got up at 8 the next morning, and mom told me they had just called and wanted to leave by 8:30 am.  However, it was after 9 when Lily showed up to pick her up.  So we got a little time to talk before she had to go.

When she had gone, I did up her dishes, so they wouldn't be waiting for her in the sink when she got back.  Then I went downstairs and sat in the recliner and worked on my projects for a while.  I also got online and played a game of scrabble with Peter--who won.  By 30 points, the meanie.  Hee hee.

At some point, Kari, my sister in law called, and we chatted about various things.  Mom thinks they are too hard on Caleb--and I agree that Jack goes postal on him sometimes.  Jack (my brother) takes everything personally.  And sometimes, five year olds are just self-absorbed and clueless.  Caleb is feeling the sibling angst now that Cora is walking and starting to talk.  She's a baby, and everything babies do is so darn cute.  And Caleb feels like everyone loves Cora more than him, since everyone makes over her so much.  He said something about his mom and dad not liking him as much as Cora. 

Well, instead of reassuring him, or just saying "that's silly"--Jack went into a tirade about all the things he does for Caleb--and Jack doesn't realize that the look he gets on his face when he does this says , "I HATE YOU."  (Product of our own less than ideal childhood, I presume.)  And Caleb, being very tender hearted, cried and cried over it.  Then to top it off, Jack pouted the rest of the night, and would not sit by Caleb or talk to him or anything.  When Caleb went and sat by Jack on the couch, Jack got up and moved to another seat.

Well, that's just hurtful.

It's over kill.

But, Jack never had a good role model for fathering--and he doesn't beat Caleb.  The kid has had one spanking in his entire life--and that is when he was jumping over Cora repeatedly when she was less than two months old.  He'd been told to stop repeatedly, and finally he either stepped on her or kicked her (by accident) and Jack swatted him a couple times on the butt.

So, anyhow--Kari feels trapped in the middle.  She agrees that Jack goes a little overboard with Caleb sometimes, but she feels it is important for them to present a united front--and that is true.  However, I think she needs to talk to Jack later, in private, when he does go overboard like that.  So he knows what he is doing and makes a few corrections.

We discussed how mom forgets that she beat the hell out of us for little or no reason when we were kids--with wooden spoons or willow switches or belts or rubber hoses off the milking machine.  I remember distinctly several times she slapped me or hit me because she hated Grandma Harpel, and I was grandma's favorite, and Grandma was present.  It was done to me, to hurt Grandma.  Though I am sure she wasn't really aware of her motives.  Or maybe she was and just didn't care.  All I know is that I thought both she and dad hated me during my entire childhood.   At one point, when I was about seven, I thought they wanted to poison me!  (Yeah, I had a big imagination when I was a child.)  I wouldn't eat any food they had touched.  Heh heh.   What a stupid kid I was.

Jack and Kari both tell Caleb all the time that they love him and also praise him for the good things he does.  I don't remember ever once being told by either of them that they loved me when I was a child. 

Now that she is the grandma, it is different.  Heh heh heh.....

So, anyhow.  I had heard mom's version the night before.  It's just one of those things.  She was the same way with Kim and Joni's kids.

Sadie, being an only child, and living far away, escaped all this.

So, after that phone call, Tammy called, and she is in the grip of extreme anxiety attacks again.  She becomes obsessed with the thought that she might hurt Burt or she might hurt Sadie.  These obsessive thoughts run rampant in her head until she about has a break down.  Of course, she would never hurt either one of them.  So, she ended up in the emergency room with a panic attack.  She wanted to see a psychiatrist, but there were no appointments available until November 30.  Are there that many people having mental issues that you can't see a psychiatrist when you are on the ragged edge for over a month??

I'm glad that my issue is depression and not anxiety disorder.  Most of the time, my depression is in control.  And when it isn't, I just sleep.

I have a strategy for dealing with that anxiety kind of stuff.  I think if I allowed myself to, I could be sucked into it--but I just consciously step away from the issue and shut the door and REFUSE to think about it.  Or else, I write about it.  Then it seems like it is out of my head, and I can move on.

So, anyhow.  Life is in crisis for everyone.

Heh

I hung out at mom's till about 5 pm, watched some movies on TV, ate some left over meatloaf, and crocheted.

When I left, I went via the interstate.  I stopped at the Rest Area on the way home to take some pictures of the fall colors.  (I'll post them up in a bit.)  I haven't been to the "beautiful one" since before dad died.  My dad used to work at the Straight River Rest Areas.  He loved working there and always referred to it as "The Beautiful One." 

I pulled over a couple of times and took pictures, and I went to Lake Kohlmeir and to the park behind the electric plant and took pictures too. 

Then the sun went down quickly--and I lost the light. 

So, I came home, hauled my stuff upstairs, put on my pjs and crawled into bed.

It is freezing in my house, since I am refusing to turn on the heat in a sad and pathetic attempt to save money.  I need to get another blanket on my bed!!

I talked to GG on MSN, and Peter and I played another game of Scrabble--which he also won.  GRR.  Heh heh heh.  Then, I ordered him to drink juice and go to bed, since he has apparently contracted a bad cold.  He has to fly to SF tonight, so he needed to rest and restore himself.

Then, Kieran aka ECM appeared on MSN, and we talked a while and played Backgammon.  Oh, I LOVE backgammon.  he hadn't played before--and he learned fast.  I won both our games, but just barely.

He has a good sense of strategy.

Then, since it was ten pm I curled up with the cat and went to sleep.  I had odd dreams...and I will talk about them in the next entry, if I remember them.  I woke up and thought that I should write them down right then, but I was too tired and couldn't stay awake.  The dreams are still fresh, atm, though, so perhaps I'll get it done before they fade into oblivion.

Now, I want to post some pictures, but I have to upload them into flickr first.

Tah.