Mysterious Wound

I have a mysterious wound on my left breast. It looks like a burn blister. I have no idea where it came from. It was about the size of a bean, so I thought maybe when I made chili, one of the beans had dropped down my shirt and into my bra--burning my skin. Now it appears a little bigger. Last night I put aloe on it, hoping that would heal it up--and it seemed a little better this morning, so I put more on it when I got dressed.

I wish I could remember how these little injuries happen to me. I would spend a lot less time thinking about flesh eating bacteria and cancer if I could remember things.

Sigh.

Saturday's To DO at School List

I'm at school; it is 9:45. I was actually here at about 9 am, but I spent some time talking to Mary in her room. Now I am in my own room, getting ready to actually get down to business.

I stopped at Erdman's on my way in to pick up bread and sandwich meat and salad dressing for school. I also got some candy and some diet root beer and some cheetohs. You know. The healthy food groups.

I sorted through my mail yesterday and tossed out all the junk mail. Today I am going to go through the bills and get them ready to pay. I have checks from one of my credit cards--and a $10,000 credit limit. I've decided that I am going to pay everything and put a check from the credit card into my bank account to cover what I don't have money for. And maybe enough extra to buy a new bra and a new pair of shoes that do not hurt my feet.

I'm going to do that FIRST.

The rest of the items don't really matter so long as they get done. This is my AT SCHOOL LIST only.

(1) Pay bills
(2) Enter attendance into JMC program.
(3) Clear off desk and organize piles.
(4) Correct all work in the basket.
(5) Get stuff lined up for each class until at least Wednesday.
(6) Put grades into the computer.
(7) Xerox off materials that I need for the week.

That should be plenty for one day. If I finish it up early enough, I will go to see the movie "The Transporter" on my way home. The stalker wants to see another movie today, but she was so fucking irritating last night, that I feel I've had my quota of her for the weekend.

She has to talk so LOUD--and she is all into "her angels" and the "colors of their wings" now. Gah.

And she repeats herself ten thousand times. It was irritating enough the first seventeen times.

I was trying to tell a story--and she kept blaring over the top of me every four words. It was maddening.

Well, I have to get to work now. If I bitched about everything she did that irritated me, I don't think I'd ever stop writing.

ARG.

Oh--and just another bit of joyful news--The dental work I have to have done is going to cost $675.00--my responsibility for that is $334.30. ARG.

Fuck.

No wonder I keep dreaming these weird dreams. I had more last night, but it will take over an hour to tell it, so I guess I'll wait until I get home.

Tah.

The Dread Deed Is Done--For Good or for Ill

Well, it is done. I paid all but a very small handful of bills that are not due yet. (I get paid on Friday.) When I was done paying all those that couldn't wait any longer, I was $1,083.89 in the hole. So I wrote out a credit card check for $1,183.89 to deposit in my account. I gave myself an extra $100 so I could buy gas if I needed to--or some other emergency thing.

Then I gagged for a while, but I didn't throw up THIS time.

God, I hate bills and money.

Not only was my car insurance due--but also my HOUSE insurance--and the freaking car tabs. But those I saved since I believe I have until mid October to get them on without penalty.

It is so unfair that teaching is such an underpaid profession.

I want to just curl into a ball and cry for a while, but instead, I shall continue on with my list, clear off my desk, and organize my work to do. Sigh.

Most of my morning was spent getting those damned bills in order.

I need to get to work on listing stuff to sell to other doll collectors.

I need to make some serious progress towards getting out of debt completely. If my car was paid off, I would actually be in not-too-bad a condition.

If I could somehow squeeze $400/month onto the payments, I'd be done in a little over a year.

Sigh.

I should disconnect my internet at home again--or go back to (*just kill me*) DIAL UP--but i just CANNOT DO IT.

Don't I deserve SOMETHING nice??

My stomach feels very weird and sick right now--I know it is just stress, but what can I do?

I have to get this work done so next week will not be an ungodly hell.

Stalker just called me before I finished the last of my bills--she's going up to the cities to have lunch with her mother and go see that movie about the dead girl who falls in love with the guy who rents her apartment. I want to see that, but I am just as happy to see it with someone else.

She went on and on about how *I could have gone with her and spent time with Nikki and Oma, but I had to GO TO SCHOOL....so I was MISSING OUT....and it was MY OWN FAULT.*

I could strangle her when she says shit like that. It isn't like it's a barrel of fun for me to spend an entire Saturday at school! I'd just as soon be out having fun...unfortunately, my job is a little more involved than straightening cracker displays at HYVEE.

SIGH.

God, will it EVER EVER get any easier?

I am just off the phone with Tammy, my little sister.  She is having a depression/anxiety day and has been crying all day long.  In a weakened state myself, I joined her in the tearfest--and we spent about twenty minutes bawling our heads off over the phone. 

Her issues are all wrapped up in her anxiety disorder--whereas mine are the more garden variety type of malaise.  Financial ruin--complete failure as a human being--lack of hope or light for the future--the usual.

Heh.

I don't think my financial situation would be as painful to me if I didn't work SO FUCKING HARD ALL THE TIME!!  It is so difficult to look around my house and know there isn't even anything I COULD sell to make a little money to make ends meet.

I'm so tired of being so miserably poor all the time.

I'm so tired of always having to CHOOSE who gets paid this time and who doesn't.

I'm so tired of having 25 years of experience and working my ass off--and having to choose between buying groceries and paying the phone bill.

When does it get better?

Does it get better?

If so, when??

I feel so completely alone in the world.

I have NO ONE to turn to--not really.  If I asked, my mother would probably give me some money--but Jesus H. Christ!  I'm fifty years old!  I should be able to live ON MY OWN!!

I have a college degree--a couple of them!  WHY don't teachers make enough money to support themselves?

If I were married, then it would probably be better--two incomes would make a world of difference.

but I'm not--and there's about as much chance of me getting married as there is of a snowball fight in hell.

Tammy suggested taking in a renter--but who would that be?

I'm just so fucking tired of working ALL THE TIME and having NOTHING to show for it.

DAmmit.