TA: Chapter 3 Notes and Exercises

Chapter 3:  The Parent—Critical and Nurturing Me

 

When we were very small, our parents taught us many things—both intentionally and unintentionally. 

 

The Parent is a good part of us.  It tells us what to do when our Child is puzzled.

 

Often we say the things our parents have said to us.  These things are called “Parent Tapes.”  We hear them in our heads exactly as if we heard them on a tape recorder.  They have been handed down from one generation to the next.

 

Critical and Nurturing Parent

 

The Parent has two parts:   One part criticizes us, controls us, protects us, punishes us, and bosses us.  This is the Critical Parent (CP).  The other part, which is helpful, loving, and caring, feeds us, helps us, gives us things, approves, supports, and encourages us, does things for us.  This is the Nurturing Parent  (NP).

 

The CP tells us how and when to do “right” things; it scolds or punishes when we do not do the “right” things. 

 

The NP takes care of you in a loving way—and tells you you are OK just because you exist.

 

If you begin to like and trust yourself, liking and trusting others becomes easy.  Soon others like and trust you.

 

Here are some ways you take care of yourself:

• Ask for what you want.
• Don’t say “no” if you mean “yes.”
• Tell yourself you are okay, even when you fail.
• Give yourself permission to express your feelings in a straight way instead of “swallowing” them.
• Say, “I don’t like it when ****” or “I get angry when ****” instead of “You make me so mad!”
• Own your own feelings
• Allow yourself to have and express feelings of fear, sadness, joy, fun, anger, and pain without feeling guilty.

 

You need to love yourself and take care of your own needs.

 

Exercises

1.         P stands for the PARENT.

2.         P tells CHILD what to do when CHILD is puzzled.

3.         When daddy says, “Don’t talk back to me,” his PARENT is speaking.

4.         The CRITICAL parent is sometimes bossy or critical.

5.         Write down some of your Parent Tapes like Always ________________ or Never __________________

·        Always let the guest have first choice.

·        Never make anyone else feel bad.

·        Do it right or don’t do it at all.

·        God has a big black book, and every time you do something wrong, he writes it down in that book.

·        You’re the oldest.  You should know better.

·        Take care of the others.

·        If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

·        Children should be seen and not heard.

6.         Tell whether the CP or the NP is talking:

·        You’re being silly.  CP

·        You’re lazy.  CP

·        Don’t do that.  CP

·        Stop that noise.  CP

·        Go to bed this minute.  CP

·        Children should be seen and not heard.  CP

·        Poor child, she’s so shy.  NP

·        She’s such an adorable youngster.  NP

·        Here, darling, eat this nice cookie.  NP

·        Daddy knows best.  NP

·        Honesty is the best policy.  NP

·        You tell me the truth, and if there is any lying to be done, I’ll do it.  NP

·        Be careful when you cross the street.  NP

·        I’m afraid you’ll get hurt.  NP

·        I’ll take care of you.  NP

·        You’re a good guy.  NP

·        Would you like a nice glass of milk?  NP

·        I’ll help you do the dishes.  NP

 

 

A Visit to my Mom's

I had not been to my mother's house since Christmas.

Since she is leaving on Saturday to go on a Cruise for two weeks, I figured I better get home and see her.

It was a pretty quiet weekend.  I had intended to leave my house by 8:30 am and be there early--however, as usual, things delayed me.  I got going around 10 am.

It looked like one of my tires was a bit flat, so I went to Jim and DeAnn's and had them look at it.  Jim decreed that it was a "little low" but not dangerously so.

I stopped at Taco John's on my way to Ellendale and picked up a couple of burritos and some Potato Ole's.  Then I drove rapidly to Ellendale, where I picked up my mom, then we flew back to Owatonna where we went to the movie theater to see Music and Lyrics.  Kim (my sister) and Kari (my sister-in-law) met us there.  

It was  really funny--though incredibly unrealistic that two people could work with each other for less than a week and discover TRUE LOVE, but eh...it's the movies.  There were lots of very funny parts in it.   The parody of the '80s bands is hilarious.  Hugh Grant looks like a David Cassidy wanna be.

When we got back home, Mom and I settled in to watch some HGTV.  She crocheted a while, and I sewed doll clothes for Claire.

I'll have to post pictures of them--they turned out very cute.

Then Kari called and wanted to know if Mom and I would come over to their house--she would buy some Papa Murphies' pizzas.  I said, "No, I don't want to go anywhere."

Their house is always cold--and their seating is not as comfortable as at mom's house.  I love her recliners.  I told Mom to tell her to come to mom's instead, but she didn't ask.

Anyhow, after she hung up the phone, she told me how Jack's "feelings were hurt" because I "didn't seem to want to spend time with his kids like I did" with my sisters' kids.  

I said, "Good God! I don't spend ANY TIME with Kim and Joni or Tammy's kids."

"When they were little," Mom said.

Well, yeah, I did baby sit all those kids constantly when they were little--and felt very taken advantage of too.

Then, I said  that every time I came to Mom's we spent hours at their house--one or two days of the visit.   Then I talked about how tired I am after teaching all week, and how I just want to RELAX when I am at Mom's, not be mauled by two small children.

My final comment was, "If anybody's feelings should be hurt around here, it should be mine.  NOBODY EVER comes to my house.  NOBODY."

As far as I can remember, Jack and Kari have been  to my house four times.  And a couple of those times were very brief stop-overs.

And I don't really care--it's just the principle of the thing.  I've been to their house uncountable times.  They've been to mine FOUR--MAYBE.

I don't know why they consider this fair or why in the HELL they figure they have the right to judge me lacking in familial responsibilities--it ain't like  they are being fucking hypocrits or anything, is it????

Anyhow--it ticked me off and made me sorry I had come home at all.

They ended up coming over to mom's Saturday night and we ate pizza and watched Casablanca on TV.  I don't think I ever watched it all the way through before.  It was good, but I didn't fall all over myself in delight over it.  The corrupt French cop was my favorite character.  

I hung around at Mom's till after 6 pm Sunday night.  I stopped for gas in Owatonna on the way home and washed my car.  It was so covered with salt and crap.  

And that's the excitement of my visit to Mom's.

I'll talk about my visit to the therapist yesterday after a while.  I have to finish my supper and do some homework.  I have a ton of the dang stuff.