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This is what I posted on Tuesday on my Facebook page. I was so depressed I really just wanted to be dead. It was just a cry of despair in the night...didn't really expect anything in response. But the comments my kids and a couple of my former colleagues wrote just gave me such a lift. I want to save them here--for posterity.
Ah, insomnia.
I lay here in my bed wishing for sleep and it just doesn't come.
And so instead all these things parade around in my head--the leading marchers seem to be those who betrayed me at ROC and cheated me of my life's mission and my retirement--and even of my final two paychecks, via Yam and Gosh's dishonesty and thievery.
Now my unemployment has run out. No one wants to hire an old, fat, crippled woman who's only two years out from retirement. And I think how many other things I might have done besides teach--where I would have made more money and perhaps been treated with more respect by those who employed me.
But even though these ugly thoughts are there in my head, I find I cannot regret the thirty plus years I spent working my ass off for half (or less) the pay I could have made in the private sector.
The reason?
All those babies that sat in my classroom with their big goofy grins and their tough exteriors and their tender hearts. From Freeborn and Claremont and Dodge Center and West Concord and even those from Kasson (where I only worked for a semester) and Ellendale (where I subbed) and from ROC, of course.
How could I ever wish that I had had no part of all of them--all of you? My darlings. My surrogate children. I loved you so much when you were in my classroom--even when you drove me crazy and I was ready to beat you! LOL. The love was always there and so strong.
Did you know that I prayed for you on my way to work? Often by name. I worried about you when you went through hard times or were sick or off to treatment or jail. I missed you on vacations and during the summer.
Would I have cared so much if I had married and had children of my own? I don't know. I think yes, but who knows?
All I know is that I am so grateful to have known you and played a part in your lives--I only hope that I was a millionth of the blessing to you that you have been to me. I am so proud of all of you. My heart soars like an eagle when I think of your successes--and I love seeing pictures of you with your own children! (That "soars like an eagle" comment is a quote from an old but great movie, Little Big Man.)
Such are the thoughts that go through my head when I am lying here, worrying about money and my future and what there is left for me in this hurtful world.
Daisy Mi-do, Lindsey Snyder and 19 others like this.
Mitchell Learmont I love you so effing much Cheryl!! You were one of my all time favorite teachers. Best and funny, strange loving teacher. You are and still the best. I'm so glad I had you as a teacher when I went to roc. I'd love to meet up with you and have lunch with you one day.
Noah Swancutt Thank you Cheryl for all that youve done for me, most of my best memories of rock are from your classroom and the fun times we had. Thanks for putting up with me. it must have been tough lol. Its so bogus what roc did to you. I really hope everything will work out for you.
Rachael Breidall Cheryl..you are the woman who made me go to school for teaching. Without you i would have given up but its your huge heart that made me want to keep going. I love you cheryl with all my heart and I'm sorry i haven't kept in touch but know you are in my thoughts everyday with everything i do.
Amy Dearborn Schwering wow that was really touching, thank you for everything you have done and will do, you are a great lady!!!
Kelsey Nicole Meyer Cheryl you were by far one of the best teachers I have ever had. If ppl are not tryin to hire you they are crazy. I miss you and I really hope the best for you. I hope things get better for you because with your help things sure got better for me and I have never been happier. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you are blessed with the same happiness that I endure. I love you Cheryl.
Emma Vex With how much love u have put out into this world thru ur teachings at ROC and just in general...it is only a matter of time for good things to come ur way, Cheryl. I truly believe good things lay in ur future and u must believe that as well. Try not to worry so much about everything, I know it is hard...life is tough, its not suppose to be easy, but u have that golden heart of urs and many who love u and wish well for u and as long as u stay true to who u are things will fall into place for u eventually. Uve helped so many students who were struggling see good and potential in themselves, including me, and I'm couldn't be more thankful to have had been lucky enuff to have gotten to be in a few of ur classes during highschool! Ur courage to do what u love to do in the face of little pay and troubled waters is an inspiration to us all. Ur caring words have stayed with so many of us and have inspired us to go out to find what it is we love to do so we can maybe, just maybe, pour at least a fraction of the love u poured into ur work into ours. Uve been the difference between students dropping outta school or staying in and Uve impacted lives in ways I don't think u even realise..so please know, that as tough and cruel as life can be, that the love Uve put out into the world thru all ur students and ur work..well..that won't go unnoticed in the big picture and will come back to u tenfold as long as u keep tryin and keep ur head up and stay positive in the face of adversary :) after all, all ur lil kiddies u helped along in school..well I'm sure sum of them have gone onto business school and who knows...maybe they May just be in need of a bubbly, loving face to work for them for only a few years and get u to retirement?!..who knows!!?..but that's the beauty of life tho, this crazy crazy thing called life..ebb n flow..n just go with it, Cheryl, cuz you are one amazing woman with a heart of gold & so much to offer anybody who comes into ur life, be it professional or personal! I Miss you and wish u well! :)
Romana R. Gonzalez I was part of those kids you taught. I learned a lot from you not only academically but about life. Thank you!!!
Jessica Skogen Schwering Only in your English class did I ever learn anything and was not bored out of my mind. THANK YOU for all you did for us and have done for some many others!! We all love you!! ♥
Justin L. Williams Cheryl, when no one on this earth believed in me or saw any sort of potential YOU DID! I was an ass hole when I was in school, even my parents had given up. But you saw through that and kept trying to bring out the "writer" in me. I may not be famous poet or even always embrace the fact that I can write, but that is a skill...a talent that I would never even know was there if not for your amazing teachings! If I never have before, I thank you for that!
Jennifer R Henslin Ms. Harpel~
I remember the first day i met u. I was excited because I knew I was going to learn something!!!
Steven Michael Bartz My heart goes out to you Cheryl. May love and peace come your way
Steven Michael Bartz I adore you!
Melaney Jeffries I'm praying things get better for you Cheryl! Tears filled my eyes reading this. You Deserve happiness! Just remember all of those students who Loved being in your classroom and miss you and will remember you for the rest of their lives! Love ya
Erik Olson You were definitely a blessing to me Cheryl! Hang in there. We all know you are a very strong person who can do this.
Donna May Kutzler Cheryl here is what i think about what you just posted. I believe that the works that a person does will be rewarded in a way and in a time that you will surprise you. You have been unjustly treated but nobody can take what you have done for children away. What becomes of them can directly be the result of your work so take heart and wait ..expect an answer. don't give up hope for a better tomarrow.
Christina Poole Cheryl i dont care what anyone says you were the best damn teacher at roc and once i get my group home going you can be my very first hire i love you and dont get your hopes up no matter what something will come along! I believe what goes around comes around and that dont always mean in a bad way you have helped so many ppl something wonderful will come your way maybe not when you reli need it the most but its coming stay possitive thats all you can do!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope McKnight You have been a light in a dark world, and I thank you for shining your love into my life when I needed it most.
BigMama Thia I will say a Prayer for you to stay strong
Faith VanProosdy Sending prayers up for you tonight, and I will continue to every night from now on. You are so dearly loved, and even when this world and the people in it turn their backs on you, God never does. You have touched the lives of hundreds, even thousands of people, in your life time thus far, how many people can truly say that about themselves? You are one in a million, such a big hearted, humbled human being. Although you've been walked on, cheated out of happiness, and been hurt, its only made you that much stronger. You've accomplished so much, and again you are so precious, to me, and many many others. If there is ever, ever, anything I can do for you, I'm only a phone call away 2440729 :)
Valerie Mangskau i love you cheryl, your believing in me and my writing means so much to me and you being there for me just to talk, you were the most caring, loving compassionate teacher, and we all love you very much!
Brandon Moore thanks for everything cheryl u were one of the most kick ass teachers i had u made a big impact on my life thank you for that and stay strong u got all of us ROC kids for family much love and if i ever win the lotto i will help u for helpin me
