DEPRESSION.......

I HATE MONEY.  

I HATE PAYING BILLS. 

I HATE INTEREST AND LATE CHARGES. 

I HATE THE FEDERAL MINT.

I HATE EVERY PENNY, NICKLE, DIME, AND QUARTER THAT EXISTS.

I HATE PAPER MONEY.

I HATE CHECKS.

I HATE STAMPS AND ENVELOPES.

I ESPECIALLY HATE CREDIT CARDS. 

 

Bills suck.

Gah.

I have to go to the post office to get my mail.

I hate the post office and I hate going there.

I think I must have been molested or assaulted or possibly probed by an alien in the post office when I was a child--and I have blocked the experience.  It's the only answer for WHY I have this almost PHOBIC reaction to even the THOUGHT of going to the post office. 

Maybe, in a past life, I was bitten by a poisonous snake that had somehow crawled into my po box and died in horrific agony, swelling to the size of a hot air balloon and turning green and black before bursting and expiring in a mass of writhing entrails.

It HAD to be something like that.

At least the window is now closed, and I do not have to be glared at by the scary postmistress who hates me because I never pick up my mail until I have to.

It's been two weeks today--and I'm only going because I know my check is in there.

*shudder*

GLOOM

I also have to put all my bills in the mail.  So my creditors do not charge me late fees or something hideous.  Like call me on the phone or send me a GASP....second billing.....EEEEEEK!

Money IS the DEVIL.  Money is EVOL

Well, the one good thing is that MAYBE my package from Florida has arrived--20 little Kelly dolls that I bought off ebay.  AAwwwww.....they are SOoooOOOooo cute.  I can hardly wait to sew some clothes for them (as I think most of them are coming to me starkers.  We can't have that!!)

Okay.

I got my statement from my credit union.  I owe $5,141.56 on my car.  Not bad, considering I paid like $16,000+ for it.  I figured out that if I could pay $300/month on it, I could have it mostly paid for within 18 months.  A little interest will accrue, but I only have 5% interest on the loan, so it won't accrue very much.  I HAVE to pay $260/month on it.  Once I get that sucker paid off, I can start working on my credit card debt.  All together, I think that is about 5,000.  But I'm not 100% sure on that.  I'd have to look.  I have cut up all of my credit cards, so that debt is static--other than interest and the occasional fucking LATE CHARGE because I am almost as phobic about sitting down and paying my bills as I am going to the Fucking Post Office.

It's so frustrating.  I HAVE THE MONEY.  I just cannot force myself to sit down and PAY THE BLOODY BILLS.  WHY???

I do not understand it.  It is simply ridiculous.  I hate it so much that sometimes I even puke while paying the bills.  What is up with that?? 

Happy news--TODAY I paid my bills and I didn't puke...but I couldn't force myself to do it until about 4:30.  My hands shook, and I felt nauseated the whole time.

WHY????

Is there a psychiatrist in the house?

An exorcist?

This is so fucking abnormal and insane.  It makes me CRAZY.  And it costs me a lot of money--because TWO of my bills, both fucking credit cards, are gonna be paid late.  And that is a $39 late charge for each of them.  That's almost $100 that I could have put on my CAR.

I swear, there are days that if I could split myself into two people--like the late great Duo Damsel--I would have my selves take turns beating each other purple and green with bamboo sticks. 

Why do I do this?

I don't know.

It's pathological, apparently.

Well, I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO get my sorry ass down to the post office and get my mail so I can mail off the bills and put my check into the bank.

GRRRR.

On the bright side--I have invited Jim and DeAnn to be my guests at the Chinese restaurant in Kasson tonight.  I feel like I need some comfort food after today's traumas, and there is nothing more comforting that a nice plate of walnut shrimp and a big helping of sauteed mushrooms and rice.

yummy

 

 

It's still a wonderful world....

Artists > Louis Armstrong > What A Wonderful World

 

    

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And i think to myself:
"What a wonderful world!"

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to my self:
"What a wonderful world!"

 

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying "How do you do."
Thay really say: "I love you!"

     

I hear babies crying I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself:
"What a wonderful world!"
Yes, I think to myself:
"What a wonderful world!"

 

Can you feel the love?

I don't know what's up with me--I have not (knowingly) taken any form of drug or deprived myself of oxygen or inhaled anything mind altering....

But I have this strange, glowing feeling....it feels like LOVE....and I feel it for EVERYTHING I see and EVERYONE I know....

 

I feel like I want to grab hold of the planet and SQUEEZE it until it crackles.

Maybe it is because I have accomplished two of the tasks I hate the most in the entire universe--going to the post office and paying bills (both in the same day.  Eek.)  Or maybe it is because Lee's death has re-emphasized to me how brief and how beautiful life is. 

What ever it is, I am overcome by feelings of affection for everyone I know.  My eyes are dripping tears, and my heart feels twelve times bigger and squishier than normal.

And everyone looks especially beautiful to me. 

I had supper with Jim and DeAnn tonight--I took them out (because I love them)--and all through supper, I kept thinking what beautiful people they were.  And when Ingrid called, I felt an overwhelming burst of love for HER...and my cat looks simply adorable to me.  Even though she puked on the floor in the hallway I just scrubbed.  Twice.  And it was really disgusting today too, with undigested lumps of cat food and a massive clot of grayish looking hair.

Ew.

MAF, AKA Rich, came on line, and I felt myself bursting with affection for HIM!

I went on to Kevin's Watch, and every name of the people that I feel I know moderately well seemed to hum and buzz inside my head and inside my heart.  I wanted to post after every post:  "Loremaster, I love you.  Edge, I love you.  Cheval, I love you.  Creator! I love you! Duckie!  I love you!  Duchess!  I love you!  Furls!  I love you!  Avatar!  I love you!  Darth!  I love you!  Kym!  I love you!!!"  And so on and so on.

I'd feel the same way at IBDoF--maybe MORE so, since I have known them longer, and probably better.  Laurie, Brad, Kvetch, GG, Felon, Ghostie, Kilt, Hunter, Kahrey, ECM, McCormick, Tollbaby, Clong--I LOVE them.  All of them. 

And my little darlings from Cleveland...Jem, Nate, Carmen, Sue, Sarah, Samantha, Brian--I want to hug and cuddle all of you.  LOVE!!

And my punkins at school.  I love them.  My colleagues.  LOVE!  My boss---LOVE. 

My family--LOVE.

I feel like a big squishy glob of LOVE ENERGY.   I feel like I'm high.

heheheeheh

It isn't so bad. 

Life is just too short to love all the people you love sufficiently.

SMOOCH to the world.  SMOOCH to all the lovely people in it.

*expires in a puff of LOVE LIGHTENING*

heheheeh

I must be insane.   But I LIKE it.